


king of carrot flowers

by unhappy_turtle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Brief Erejean Mention, Discussions of death, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Oral Sex, death mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-02-25 10:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2618384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhappy_turtle/pseuds/unhappy_turtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a Sunday. He's washing his favorite mug and trying not to pay too much attention to the funeral that's going on across the street.</p><p>---</p><p>(Levi lives across the street from a cemetery and Eren's father has recently passed away.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. and on the lazy days

Levi's house is across the street from a cemetery. The house is small, but it's still nice. He's lived in the house for the last five years and doesn't plan on leaving it anytime soon.

The cemetery looks rather ominous at night, but he hasn't yet witnessed any creepy happenings. Looking out of his kitchen window at the perfectly lined up headstones brings him tranquility. He likes the fact that nothing moves, that everyday there's the same view. Same headstones beautifully lined up.

\---

It's a Sunday. He's washing his favorite mug and trying not to pay too much attention to the funeral that's going on across the street.

\---

He's home from the office around five and getting into his pre-dinner routine. He'll sit and watch television for about twenty minutes while sipping a beer, then he'll shut the tv off and read for about half an hour, finally, he'll start to prepare dinner for himself.

Maybe because it just happens to be Monday, but nothing is catching his interest on the television. He shuts it off and decides to make dinner early.

Levi has yet to master how to make a serving of pasta for one. He either makes way too fucking much (and he despises leftover pasta) or he makes too little and he ends up snacking on junk.

He's filling the pot with tap water when he notices some kid in the cemetery, lying—lying, like fucking body contact with the grass that holds a deceased human being six feet under—in the spot where the funeral had been held the day before.

A strange wave of sensation rolls over Levi, he feels repressed sorrow crawling up his spine. He brushes it off and scowls when the water in the pot starts to overflow.

He makes too much pasta that night.

\---

The disgusting kid—who was obviously raised by fucking animals—comes to the cemetery everyday as it turns out. He lies down on the grass and talks to the headstone (from what Levi's able to tell). He tries not to notice him, he really does because he's attempting not to care about someone who he doesn't know. Caring hasn't really helped him that much.

His new pre-dinner routine is watching television for twenty minutes while sipping a beer, then he moves to the small table in his kitchen and doesn't pay any attention to the filthy soul lying down in the cemetery.

Levi is not fond of this new change in his routine. He now spends way too much thinking about this kid. Now he has questions. Who died? Why does this kid have to lie in the grass? Does this kid do his own laundry or does his poor mother have to get all those grass stains out?

\---

Levi has decided to name the kid Cemetery Kid. Creative? No. But it's kind of cool sounding, Levi thinks. It makes it sound like the kid does more than lie in a fucking cemetery. Like maybe he fights crime—crime that specifically happens in the cemetery, like he was the protector of the cemetery. Which is kind of a sucky thing, but then again, his name is Cemetery Kid.

\---

It's raining fucking bullets, or at least, that's what it sounds like. Levi can barely make out Cemetery Kid through the sheets of rain falling from the sky like there is no tomorrow, but he can see that the kid isn't properly dressed for the weather. He's still out there though, lying on the ground.

When Levi thinks about how muddy it is, he shudders.

If he were Cemetery Kid's mother, he would not be happy with the loads of laundry he'd have to do. Then he starts to feel bad, like he has a fucking obligation to make sure this kid doesn't catch a cold or drown or something—there's a lot of rain, okay? This is why he doesn't like to care. When you care, you feel and want to do things for shitty kids who don't wear fucking raincoats when it's fucking raining like hell.

Levi groans because he's going to go into the fucking storm and make sure this dumbass kid isn't dead.

The second he's out of his house, he regrets _everything_. Not only is the rain heavy, but it's windy as fuck. He's struggling to keep a hold of the umbrella as it drags him around like he weighs nothing. The cold seeps in through his raincoat, through his skin and chills him to the core.

He's calling Cemetery Kid every mean name in the book as he carefully crosses the street and makes his way into the cemetery. When he steps in a puddle, he loses it. He stomps up to the kid, wishing he was currently buried in the cemetery instead of fucking lying down in it.

How the kid isn't actually dead is beyond Levi, it's cold and he's lying in a fucking muddy puddle.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Is the first thing out of Levi's now blue lips.

"What?" Cemetery Kid startles. He looks up from where he's lying in his stomach and his face is streaked with wetness that Levi hopes is all rainwater not tears because _he cares_. Other than the water covering his face, Levi notices green eyes that can't be real—that's not a color that occurs naturally in human beings, what the actual fuck?—and the fact that Cemetery Kid is a kid, a very cute kid, but a kid, nonetheless.

"Don't you have homework to do?" Levi says because he's trying to emphasize the fact that he's a kid. Levi, being the wonderful human being that he is, holds the umbrella over the kid's head as well as his own, he's not going to drown for this dumbass.

Cemetery Kid glares at him as a response to the question.

"Seriously, go home, you'll get sick."

"I'm just going to stay a little longer," Cemetery Kid says, ignoring Levi's wonderful advice.

"Uh, no you're not. Get the fuck out of here." He's officially done.

"Leave me alone." This is why Levi doesn't go out of his way to help anyone, let alone troublesome, idiotic youngsters. No fucking thank you.

He takes a deep breath that doesn't really calm him as much as he'd truly like, "first of all, fuck you. I was trying to be nice, I didn't want to watch you die or anything… I mean it'd be convenient, you're already at a cemetery…"

"It would," he agrees as he rolls onto his back.

Levi feels his heartbeat go erratic when he sees the mud on the front of the kid's clothes. The rain is still coming down hard and the ground is getting more and more soaked underneath Levi's feet.

"You really should leave."

"I don't think so."

"Such a stubborn bastard… at least, take my raincoat."

"No thank you."

"I actually hope you die," Levi mutters.

"So do I," the kid says without skipping a beat and Levi doesn't reply to that. This mind numbing conversation has taken a bitter, emotional twist and Levi desperately wishes he was in his nice, warm, _dry_ home.

He continues to stand there holding the umbrella up, trying to keep this kid dry and alive because Levi is kind and selfless.

They just glare at each other, it's like a long, tedious staring contest, which Levi wins because he's a man of steel. And it's not the worst thing ever, looking into those unreal green eyes. He notices some blue, notices flecks of gold, notices how there seems to be a filter over them, like they could somehow be brighter.

Levi thinks about how his eyes are basically the opposite. Nothing bright about them, really. Gray with no depth behind them.

A severe wind whips by and the kid shivers.

"Are you sure you don't want my raincoat?"

"Yeah, I'm going to head home now."

"At least take the umbrella."

The kid is hesitant, but he takes the umbrella and Levi is able to release a sigh of relief.

"How will I return it to you?"

"Just come here tomorrow."

The kid nods, smiles a tight smile and says, "thanks," as he leaves the cemetery.

\---

After he's changed into dry sweats and is under his covers, Levi finally stops shivering. Being a good citizen is exhausting. No more meddling in other people's depressing lives, he thinks.

As if the damn kid wasn't already on his mind, now he's all Levi is able to think about. And he has questions, real questions—not like who the fuck is going to wash his muddy clothing?—awful questions that could lead to a friendship and such.

First and foremost, Levi is an adult standing at a whopping five-feet three-inches, he doesn't need any more friends. Erwin and Hanji are enough for one human being. 

\---

By the time Levi is home from the office, the kid is already at the cemetery, lying down like the animal that he is.

Fuck the umbrella, he thinks when he's making his way across the street. Leaves are falling from the trees and he stomps on them, enjoying the _crunch_  noise they make. Fuck Cemetery Kid. Fuck the umbrella. Fuck it, but his legs are still carrying him to the cemetery, to the kid, to trouble, most likely.

"Here," the kid says, holding out the umbrella.

Levi has to bend over to grab it and doesn't make any moves to leave because he has questions and wants answers and it should be illegal how adorable this dumb duck is.

"Who died?" Is what ends up coming out of his mouth.

"My dad."

"Was he a good dad?"

The kid hesitates, but then says, "yeah."

"You're a bad liar."

"Fuck you."

Levi's about to say something about this kid's father not teaching him any manners, but it's too soon, he thinks. And he's not an asshole, he swears, or at least not on purpose.

"What's your name?"

"'M not supposed to disclose that kind of information to strangers."

Levi rolls his eyes the hardest he has ever rolled his eyes. Which is saying a lot because Hanji says a lot of shit that's worthy of dramatic eye rolls.

"Eren—my name is Eren, okay?"

"I'm Levi… sorry your dad died."

Eren nods as he sits up, he sits with his legs crossed, "Do you have anyone buried here?"

"No," Levi lies.

"You live across the street?"

"Yeah."

"That's sort of creepy."

"Fuck you, it's a nice house… just weird location."

"Whatever," Eren mumbles.

There's a short silence, in which the scenery gets to Levi, all at once—the fact that he's standing in a cemetery, that there's a dead body underneath where he's standing, that there's people buried here that he once knew.

"Why do you come here everyday?" He finally asks. Levi would never be here voluntarily, he's only here when he feels obligated to be.

There seems to be something almost crippling about being here, about not really letting the dead rest, he thinks. He feels like he's disturbing the deceased and himself, recalling memories that do not need to be recalled. He yearns to forget the dead.

"To talk to my dad, I guess." Eren shrugs then begins to pick at blades of grass. Levi has a very strong urge to smack his hands away. _Let them_ fucking _be_.

"Every single day? That seems excessive."

"Fuck you." Eren glares at him, his eyes shining with pseudo rage, Levi thinks. Like he wants to be mad, but he's not, not really.

"Don't you have friends and shit?" Levi asks because now seems to be the time for a Q and A.

"Yeah… so?"

"Nothing."

He's not sure why he doesn't just leave, go home, relax. He wants this kid in his life for some reason.

A gentle breeze picks up and Levi feels like taking up photography when a couple of red leaves fly across Eren's face, caressing his cheeks and the tip of his nose.

"Why do you have to talk to him everyday?"

Eren looks at Levi defensively, like he'll fight just so he won't have to answer. Levi just stares right back, waiting, unimpressed and stubborn.

Eren eventually answers, sighing first, "I don't know, I wasn't very open with him when he was alive. I want to tell him all the things I never did. Keep him updated also."

"How'd he die?" Levi tries to hide his scowl when he asks that question. That's his least favorite question.

"Car accident," Eren goes back to picking at the grass.

Levi wants to gather all the fallen leaves in the area and sprinkle them into Eren's hair. Watch them caress Eren's face as they make their descent back to the ground. Dabble in photography just to capture Eren's beauty.

"That's too bad… about everything," Levi murmurs, then he adds, "I'm sorry." Because he is. He's sorry.

"Thanks." Eren sort of smiles, but it's gone in a nanosecond. Levi wonders if his eyes are messing with him.

"… Can I sit with you?" He asks as he feels the ground with his palm to make sure it's still not wet from the other day. His pre-dinner routine can go fuck itself and he's not all that hungry, he's more curious, really.

"I guess."

His knees crack as he sits, legs crossed like Eren. The ground isn't all that comfortable, not to mention the fact that Eren's dead dad is six feet under his ass.

They just sit, no words are exchanged. Eren's posture is awkward, rigid and Levi gets it. It's hard to speak to your dead dad when a stranger is seated next to you. Doesn't really help that he's close enough to feel Eren's body heat.

Levi passes the time by studying the headstone he's seated in front of.

 _Grisha Jaeger, Loving husband and father, 1963-2014_  

When the sun begins to set, the sky is painted in warm oranges and reds. It gets increasingly difficult to ignore Eren's muffled sobs.

Levi's not sure what to do. His fingers twitch with the effort it takes him not to reach out, not to gather Eren in his arms, tell him that it gets better… but does it, really? Or has Levi just grown cold? He thinks that he's always been cold, always tried not to let people in, always kept a distance.

He thought it made him tough, but now he's rethinking that. There's really nothing tough about a grown man who fears intimacy. The idea of being close with someone makes warmth blossom in his chest, but he's struggled to put that thought into practice. 

He suddenly thinks of Hanji and Erwin, who have been trying to get past his defenses for years and how he's been keeping up his walls. Even though he's known them forever he's still afraid that they'll leave him. He sometimes feels as if he's waiting for them to call it quits, get sick of him and his attitude and secrets.

It's dark by the time Levi has convinced himself that he can put an arm around Eren's shoulders, rub circles into Eren's back.

Eren melts in his arms and Levi realizes that Eren is everything that he isn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pretends to know what they are doing, fails*
> 
> Uh, so I'm trying to write something with chapters—*flails*  
> Hang in there, people.


	2. i will float until i learn how to swim

Physically, Levi is basically a brick wall. He's short for his age (you don't have to fucking mention it, he knows), but he's strong—physically. Mentally and emotionally, not so much, he'll admit.

Surprising to himself, it feels natural and easy to hold Eren while he cries. But when Eren asks, "will it get better, Levi? Easier?" He crumbles.

That's a pretty darn good question, he thinks. Does it get easier or do you grow thicker skin? Eren had answered his questions, but he was unable to answer Eren's. 

\---

The next day, when Levi sees Eren lying in the cemetery, he feels fear trickle through his veins. He's not going to go over there. Not today. He's not avoiding him, he's just… trying to figure out the answer to the oh so important question.

\---

"I don't know."

"What?" Eren says, he sits up.

"I don't know if it gets better." The answer is a week overdue, but at least he answered, right?

Eren looks at him for a very long period of time, he looks like he's calculating, like all the gears are turning. This kid wears all his thoughts across his face. "You're still thinking about that?" he asks.

Levi's not exactly sure why, but this question makes him upset. He's left speechless, mouth opening and closing, waiting for his brain to come up with a reply. Why is this so significant to him?

"I realized that I don't really care what the answer is, you know?"

No, Levi thinks. Eren may not care about the answer, but he does. He wishes he had someone to ask, someone who'd give him a solid answer.

"Yeah," Levi lies, hating himself for it. He sits next to Eren, trying to ignore how cold the ground is. It's chillier than usual today and Eren, for once, is dressed appropriately for the weather. He's drowning in a large sweater that's almost the same brown as his hair.

"Do you think these shoes are gay?" Eren asks out of the blue.

Levi looks at him quizzically, "are they attracted to shoes that are the same gender?" He responses and when Eren doesn't crack a smile or anything—he actually looks quite unimpressed—he's only mildly offended. _Well, he thought it was funny._

Eren's shoes are these fairly new looking orange converses. Why orange, Levi wonders. They're a tad in your face and whatnot.

"Jean—this asshole that I'm frenemies with—said they were gay. And now I'm questioning whether they were a good purchase or not."

"One," Levi says, "I don't know what _frenemies_  means and, personally, I wouldn't have bought orange shoes."

"It means what it sounds like—frenemies, enemy, friend… and I agree. I don't know what I was thinking, but they're not _gay_." Eren scoffs as he clicks he heels in the grass.

Levi's starts to squirm a bit, something about that whole conversation makes him feel _off_. Maybe it's how effortless it was, how he didn't have to think too hard, how he doesn't have the sudden desire to escape, how he wants to stay longer. He wants to watch Eren's lips form words, wants to watch the way Eren talks with his entire body.

\---

Levi's back at the cemetery the next day and he's not certain whether or not it's okay to ask about the new bruises on Eren's face that weren't there the other day. Eren's acting like they don't exist, so should Levi?

"What happened?" When Levi asks he feels like the itch under his skin has been scratched, he can breathe a little easier.

Eren doesn't look at him when he answers, "Jean, remember Jean? He always picks fights with me and I've been doing a good job at brushing him off. But then he started talking about my dad and… I couldn't help it. I'm so disappointed in myself." Eren huffs then sags his shoulders. Levi decides that he's a bit dramatic.

"Did he walk away with injuries worse than yours?"

"Yeah," Eren mumbles, he's brought his knees to his chest and is staring intently at the ripped part of his denims where his tan skin peeks through. "I broke his nose."

Levi feels like giving Eren a high five or a fist bump, whatever kids do nowadays. He decides against it though, thinking that he should try to act as if he were a decent human being. "I don't condone fighting," he murmurs, "but I'm glad Jean got his ass handed to him."

"Thanks?" Eren looks up, peers through the curtain of his hair and smirks.

"Sure."

Apparently this is a green light for Eren to blab on because the conversation continues. "I don't know why he's been such a tool lately, I mean, we used to be friends—not good friends, but friends. Now he's so rude to me. We disagree on a lot of things, but I try to respect his opinion and he still treats me like shit. I just don't know."

"You sound like a married couple or something." Not that Levi knows a lot of married couples.

"Gross, I hate him."

"Just ignore him then."

"I know, but now he knows my weakness. He's going to try to start all kinds of shit. And it's not like I like fighting. I just don't appreciate being disrespected. Like it's fucking rude to bring up someone's dead father to get a rise out of them. Jean is obviously pure evil in the form of a horse-faced human being. He needs to fuck off."

"You have a short temper, don't you?"

"I don't know, maybe… my mom was so upset with me and Mikasa, my sister, threatened to beat him up."

"She sounds pretty badass."

"She is. She's really overprotective though, but I appreciate it. Do you have any siblings?"

Levi shakes his head _no_.

"What about your friends?"

"What about them?"

"Like, tell me about them."

Levi promptly notices that they're _getting to know each other._ He's feels a friendship blooming. He doesn't know if he likes it or not.

"There's Hanji, they're incredibly annoying. Erwin is also annoying, but he's more subtle." That's really all there is to say about them.

Eren laughs then asks, "how would you describe me?"

 _Adorable_ is the first word that surfaces in Levi's mind, but he squashes it down. He's trying to think of words that won't get him in jail. _Barely-legal_ pops up after that.

"I don't know, I don't know you that well," is the safe answer.

"That's a good point… _but_ if I were to describe you, I'd probably say misleading because you kinda look scary, but you're actually nice, like, you try not to be, but you can't help it."

"Thank you?" He says, uncertain. He kinda wants to laugh, he makes a mental note to ask Erwin and Hanji how'd they would describe him.

"Yeah, like in the first _Home Alone_  movie, that creepy neighbor who shovels the sidewalk? Kevin's afraid of him, but then he helps him when those two goons try to, like, kill him?"

"I've never seen that movie…" Levi trails off as Eren stares at him as if he's committed a crime.

"It's a classic. You're missing out."

"Sure."

It's quiet for a while, which allows Levi to think about everything he just said. He doesn't think he embarrassed himself too bad today, so then he moves on to the other day. And he almost cringes when he remembers his sad attempt at humor when answering whether Eren's shoes were gay or not.

Eren is very open and Levi's a tad bit envious of that. They've talked only a handful of times and became aware of each other's existence just a couple of weeks ago and Eren's already cried in his arms. It's very possible to always know what's going on in his mind, he's so expressive.

He's also naive, Levi thinks. Just something about the way the gears shift in his head, the way he talks like he's yet to see the real world. The way his eyes shimmer.

Levi wonders if Eren will always have that twinkle in his eyes.

\---

Eren is sitting at Levi's doorstep the coming day. He's just arriving home from work and he's surprised to say the least. He's not upset about it though, it's just that it's odd. New. Different.

He's also wondering why Eren thought this was okay.

"Hey, Levi," Eren waves and smiles—Levi's breath catches in his throat. It's a smile that touches all the features of his face. _Fucking beautiful._

"How'd you know this was my house?" _And why are you here?_

"Trial and error. Also your neighbors are fairly nice."

"Did I…" Levi trails off, fuck, he's trying not to sound like an ass, "did I invite you over?"

Eren's gaze shifts from Levi's face to the ground, "I thought it was okay." Now he's blushing and Levi feels like a puppy murderer or something with the way Eren's face falls. "I can leave—I'm so sorry." He stands up quickly, stumbling over his feet as he tries to get away.

"I didn't say that I wanted you to leave," he sighs.

Eren stops, turns around and says, "so you want me to stay?"

"I want," Levi starts, so unsure because there's Eren and then there's also the concept of being able to actually acquire something that he wants. That fucking blows his mind. "Yeah, I want you to stay." It's more difficult than it seems to get those words out.

Eren perks up, "Really?"

"I'm not saying it again."

\---

They've finished off an entire pizza by the time it's dark, like pitch black outside. Levi's got no clue how the time flew by so quickly. Other than eating, he's not sure what they did. He recalls a lot of talking, especially on Eren's part.

Levi's sprawled all over his armchair, he's full and drained. If he really wanted to, he could definitely fall asleep. Eren's somewhere else in the room—Levi doesn't really care.

"I should be getting home." Levi barely hears it through his pizza induced haze.

"It's pretty dark outside." Levi mumbles, closing his eyes because the lights are too bright all of a sudden.

"… Are you suggesting I stay the night?"

"No… I'm just saying that I could give you a ride home." Levi says, trying not to dwell on the wonderful possibility of Eren staying the night, sleeping in his house.

"You think it's too dark for me to walk home by myself?"

Levi opens his eyes, Eren sounds peeved. He didn't think he was being offensive, not one bit. Levi was being considerate and caring. People are supposed to like that, he thought, when you worry about them.

"Eren, I was—"

"I'm not eight years old—I'm not afraid of the dark," The words are rushed out before Eren leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Levi doesn't even know how to react to that. He feels like it won't be the last time that'll happen to him though. Won't be the last time someone walks out on him. He gets it, he's been building up to this, waiting for it, like tensing up when you're expecting the blow.

Levi falls asleep in the armchair, Eren's angry words replaying in his mind like a lullaby.

\---

When Levi gets home from the office the next day, Eren, once again, is sitting on his doorstep. Unlike last time, Eren has a box of pizza on his lap. Levi sits next to him, totally (totally not) disregarding the fact that his dress pants are getting dirty.

They eat pizza in silence while watching leaves get blown off of the trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Levi works in an office—that's as specific as I'm going to get. It's not really that important to the plot.
> 
> **imagines Levi working at Dunder Mifflin**
> 
> I swear to Cheesus that the next chapters will be more interesting—like, shit it going down. And it may seem like I don't know what I'm doing, but that's only because I don't know what I'm doing.


	3. up and over we go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter talks a little bit about erejean and if you don't like that, maybe don't read the chapter—maybe just scroll down near the end or quit reading all together if you can't tolerate it at all.

"Jean kissed me today."

"Really," Levi says, trying to hide the surprise from his voice, "I thought you guys didn't like each other."

They're at Levi's house, the cemetery is no longer their hang out location. Levi's trying to decide which is worse. Eren and him at the cemetery (surrounded by the deceased) or Eren at his place.

"Yeah, I know. It was fucking weird," Eren squirms next to Levi on the couch, they're watching an old sitcom, "I told him that I didn't like it when he talked about my dad and he apologized—it was the first time he's ever said sorry to me. Then he fucking kissed me. Not even like a smooth transition, like he doesn't even know what wooing is. I'm not fucking easy, like, buy me dinner first, at least."

"Did you like it?" Something in Levi's chest aches, but he ignores it.

"Mhmm, Jean's an asshole, but he's not bad to look at. I just wish it was more like a fairy tale. It sounds lame, but I've always wanted to be wooed and treated like a princess."

"You're kind of looking for a lot," Levi mumbles, trying not to sound like the broken human being that he is. He knows that what Eren wants is unlikely to happen, but he hopes he gets that. He just wishes that he was the one to give it to him.

"I don't think I am, Levi," Eren turns to him, no longer watching the shitty sitcom, "I really don't think I am. Don't you think that everyone deserves that?"

"Yeah, sure," Levi sighs, he's not in the mood to argue with Eren about _this_ of all things.

"Don't you think you deserve that?"

Levi stares blankly at Eren for a moment, "yeah," he lies. Eren squints at him, staring deep into his eyes, looking for the truth, Levi thinks, but he'll find nothing. Levi's dead behind the eyes, he swears.

"Your eyes are pretty, you know that?"

"Really?" No one has ever told him that before.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever met someone with gray eyes before. I like them."

Levi doesn't respond, he's too wrapped up in the fact that Eren likes his eyes.

\---

Levi watches from across the street as Eren talks to his father's headstone. It looks like Eren's yapping his dead father's ear off. Levi's decided that he doesn't have to be there—doesn't want to, really. It's for his mental health. He can't help but think whether this is truly improving him or harming him. He doesn't really care though.

Ghosts are not real, he tells himself, but when he's sitting in the cemetery besides Eren, he feels them watching and judging. As if he's not already aware of the fact that he's shit.

\---

Levi does _not_ like Eren, alright?

He likes spending time with him and looking at him and being near him and hearing him talk and he likes Eren's dumb eyes and his smile and how he's a bit clumsy and dramatic and just way too passionate for his own fucking good and when he tries to look into Levi's soul and.

\---

"Jean—" Eren's putting away Levi's groceries as Levi sits at the kitchen table and stares at his ass. It's a wonderful ass.

"I don't want to hear about him," Levi interrupts.

"What? Why? You're the only one I can talk to about this."

"What about Armin?" Throughout the weeks Levi's learned a lot about Eren's group of friends. Armin, he knows, looks like He-man. Or at least has his haircut. 

"Leevi," Eren turns around and leans against the refrigerator door, the moue on his face very evident, "come on."

"Nope, Eren, this literally the only time I've said no to you. You should feel special."

"I do, I do, but… I like talking to you."

Levi wants to make a comment about Eren trusting people too easily and not keeping his mouth shut, but he restrains himself.

"I don't care."

"Levi, why? Don't be a sourpuss—"

"Don't say that word in my house."

"What, _sourpuss_?"

Levi glares at him.

"Anyway, so I talked to Jean. I told him that I don't like him _that_ way, I mean, he's real hot, but I said I like our friendship."

"So he's not your boyfriend?" Levi says nonchalantly, or as nonchalantly as he can sound with his throat dry as a fucking desert and his heart beating out of his chest.

"Gross, no, he was never my boyfriend. God, Levi, do you not listen when I talk to you? I fucking hate—I don't _hate_ him, but ew. Okay?"

"Okay, okay."

"What's going on with Hanji and Erwin?" Eren asks, taking a seat at the table.

"Erwin got engaged to a co-worker of his, Mike, a couple weeks ago. They've been together for like three years." He sighs. Trying not to remind himself of the fact that his friends are getting into serious relationships, getting married and he has a schoolboy crush on a _schoolboy._

"What? Levi, why didn't you tell me then? That's amazing, woah. How'd Mike propose?" Eren's smile takes up his entire face.

"It was so fucking cheesy, they were at some fancy restaurant. At least he didn't hide the ring in his food."

"I guess it's overused and cheesy, but it's still really sweet… can you introduce me to your friends sometime?"

This question gets Levi sweating. It's not that he's embarrassed of Eren—it's Hanji and Erwin he's worried about. God, it'll be weird and awkward and Hanji will go overboard with their use of stupid innuendos. _Fuck_. In his mind, there's no way the encounter can go well.

"Levi, it's alright. You don't have to." Eren smiles his incredibly awful _I'm-fine-but-I'm-actually-dying-inside_ smile that makes Levi feel more horrible than he usually does.

"No—tomorrow, we'll all have dinner here. It's fine."

"So you want me to meet your friends?" Eren asks, meeting Levi's eyes.

"Yeah, I want you to meet my friends."

"I'm so excited," he smiles.

"Same," Levi says, but he doesn't smile, "let's watch television." He doesn't feel like talking anymore. He wants to sort things out in his mind, unlike Eren, who has to talk everything out. He even mumbles to himself sometimes. (It's sorta cute.)

They're on the couch now, keeping a respectable distance between themselves. Eren's flipping through the channels when he suddenly stops and looks at Levi, his eyes wide and _there_ and so fucking green.

"Hey, Levi?"

"Yeah?" Levi says and Eren's right in his personal space, they're breathing the same air. God, Eren's so close. And he's only getting closer, closer and Levi's chest feels tight, but in a good way.

And Eren's kissing him—kissing him and Levi's kissing back. _Shit_. He didn't even have to think about it. It feels _good_. Eren's lips are as soft as they look and Levi doesn't deserve this. This is too much for him—Eren is too good for him.

He's swimming, _drowning_ in pleasure and warmth.

Eren slowly makes his way onto Levi's lap, taking his head in his hands, slipping his tongue into his mouth. He pulls away, lips swollen and shiny with spit.

"I've wanted to do that for so fucking long, you have no idea." Eren says as he licks his lips, having no idea how desirable he looks. "I want you so bad."

He thinks it may be ephemeral though. How couldn't it be? Is this even real? Could it even be real that someone like Eren could want him? He feels a shell of skin and skeleton, like his soul was sucked out a long time ago.

His stomach clenches painfully— "Eren," he says, "I can't, I can't." The words feel like they're being involuntarily pushed out of his mouth.

"What? Don't you want me?" He's staring into his eyes, _through_ his eyes, right into his core.

And fuck, he just knows Levi's lying when says that "no, I… don't want you." He continues to stare, his eyes searching for a why? _Why_ _would you lie? Why would you deny yourself of something you want?_

"Why?" He whines, as if there's something wrong with him, something he could change when Levi's the fucked up one. The question settles like a boulder in the pit of his stomach.

"What about… Jean—"

"I don't fucking like him, okay? I like you." Eren's angry and he looks three seconds away from punching Levi in the throat.

"I… " Levi trails off. He doesn't have it in him to lie, not about this at least.

Eren kisses him again, fingertips digging into Levi's jaw, kissing him like no one has ever kissed him before, like he _cares_ , like Levi means something to him. It's almost sickeningly sweet.

He's panting by the time Eren pulls off, his cheeks are hot, flushed, he's hard. So hard. His body is telling him _yes, yes, this is so good_. His mind's short circuited, so dubious of how to deal with the signals from his dick and his heart.

Eren pecks the corner of his mouth, "are you alright?"

"You can't just kiss people, Eren," he sighs, the mask—his mind, his control—slowly slipping back into place.

Eren bites his lip and looks down, not meeting Levi's eyes. "Sorry."

"And get off of me, please, Eren," which is probably a dumb request because now the tent in his pants is totally visible and he wills it away by thinking about the fact that Eren's probably, like, sixteen and that's pretty effective.

Eren's still biting his lip and avoiding eye contact when Levi looks at him. "Should I… should I go?"

Levi nods, if he was to use his voice, he would've said _no_. He'd tell Eren to stay and kiss the breath out of him. Kiss him until he can't even think, until his mind was exhausted.

But he's a coward, so he watches Eren leave. He despises himself for it, but it's not a new feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short, but yeah. I have a plan now, I (kinda) know what I'm doing now.
> 
> (I cannot emphasize enough how insecure Levi is and how… harmful and poisonous that is. Like, he loves (I didn't even say that) Eren, but he can't even allow himself to accept that. Like, man, you're worth so much, seriously though. You deserve to be loved and cared for and forgiven and treated like a princess! Asdfjfkjkl—rant over!)
> 
> And I'm not even smooth with the transitions, like, what?


	4. i will spit until i learn how to speak

Levi is a stubborn son of a bitch, he really is. It's been at least a week, but it feels like it was just yesterday that Eren's tongue was in his mouth. He's been feeling more hollow than ever.

\---

Levi's exhausted by the time work is over. He stops at a fast food drive-thru to pick up a greasy dinner. He eats it in his car, parked in front of his own house. Definitely not watching Eren in the cemetery, if he does get a glance of the brunette, it's by accident, he swears.

(He thought by now, they'd be friends again. He may or may not have had a stupidly vivid dream of Eren knocking at his door, and when Levi had opened it, Eren just went for it, pushing him against a wall and savaging his mouth. There was definitely a case of morning wood when he had woken up.)

The urge to just stomp over there and kiss the fucker is very strong, but… but. He'll fuck it up, he knows he will.

But—

But he still wants Eren. This could result in absolute hell or something wonderful. And that what's been nagging at him.

And that's what gets him out of his car and walking across the street.

 _What the fuck is he going to say_?

His palms are sweating, his stomach is somersaulting—butterflies. He feels like an overheated computer as he gets closer to Eren, he's unsure of how to function correctly. He's tripping over his own feet, attempting to communicate with Eren telepathically. Basically, he's trying not to keel over.

"Eren," he says then his nerves get the best of him.

"Levi," Eren responses, sounding suspicious and hopeful.

Levi understands that words should be flowing out of his mouth now, confessions of love and random shitty poems that he's been writing in his head since the first day he saw Eren. The only thing is that his lips seems to be glued together.

He's so fucked.

"What do you want?" Eren asks after a long silence.

 _You_ , he thinks as his mouth goes completely dry, like, he actually gets concerned with the lack of moisture in his mouth.

Levi decides that sitting down is the best option right now. He's seated himself way too close to Eren for either of them to truly be comfortable. But fuck it, fuck everything.

"I like you back, just so you know," He mumbles because he's thirty four, he has two friends (three including Mike, but they're more like acquaintances), his job is fucking boring as hell. If this beautiful kid likes him and Levi likes him back, what the fuck.

It feels as if he's suddenly floating, or at least he feels like a helium balloon that's tied to a chair or something. It's a comforting feeling, really. He kinda feels like he can do anything, not _anything_ , but an assortment of things.

"Why did… why did you push me away before?"

Levi takes a deep breath that doesn't relieve the ache in his chest. He owes Eren honesty, he thinks, for the times he's lied and kept quiet. This moment is significant to him—turning a new leaf, taking the first step. The genesis of something wonderful, possibly.

"I was scared." He simply says. He's a human being with fears (and newly discovered feelings).

"Scared?" Eren mutters, like the word is foreign to him as Levi's gut twists almost painfully.

"Yeah."

"Relationships are scary," Eren admits. He's expecting Eren to say something about unity and if they're together, it'll be fine, they'll do it together, but those words don't come. Levi's getting antsy, squirming because this is feeling more like an end than a beginning.

"You just have to be patient with me—I want… " the worry isn't dripping into his voice, he couldn't be more glad, "I want this."

"I want this, too." Eren says, voice taut, plucking brown grass from the ground.

They don't say anything as the sun continues to set.

\---

There's a different air between them when Levi sees Eren on his doorstep the next day. It's more awkward and Levi's fairly sure that's not how it's supposed to play out.

Eren's blushing like it's going out of fashion when they're seated next to one another on the couch. There's a very appropriate distance between them. Very suddenly there is a hand on Levi's jean clad thigh. It's thrilling in the most mortifying way possible.

(Eren is apparently the king of first moves. Eren seems like the type who would pull that bogus yawn move at a movie theatre, his arm mysteriously wrapping around his date's shoulders.)

He doesn't try to go any further though, he does rub his thumb across the outside of Levi's thigh, but that's it. He wants to be groped, he'll admit, kissed until he's dizzy.

But this is okay, this is good, this is _something_.

It's feeling like a chaperoned date. If he's brutally honest.

Before Eren leaves, there's a too-tight hug in the doorway.

\---

"Eren, how old are you?"

"Twenty… why?" Eren squints at him.

"Nothing."

"How old are you, Levi?"

"Thirty four."

Eren nods, his attention back on the television screen.

They've moved on to awkward handholding. Levi's hand is asleep and his wrist is at an odd angle. But he really likes the almost nonexistent distance between them, Eren's a solid, warm body next to him.

"You're in college, right?"

"Mhmm," Eren answers, eyes still on the television. "Levi, this is the best part." On the screen there's some kid with a bright red vest on a skateboard, he's getting chased by some douches in a car.

"What movie is this?"

Eren's head turns slowly towards him, he doesn't respond for a while, he just blinks. "You've never seen _Back to the Future_?"

"I think I've heard of it…" he trails off.

"I cannot believe you have never seen _Back to the Future_."

"I'm not a huge movie person, alright?"

"Unbelievable," Eren says under his breath.

"You haven't seen _Home Alone_ and _Back to the Future_? What movies have you seen—no, what was the last movie you saw?"

Huh, okay, shit. "I do not recall," Levi answers.

"I feel sorry for you, but do not worry, I have _Home Alone_ on VHS. I bet you have a VHS player, don't know?"

Levi feels insulted until he remembers that he has a tiny, old tv in his closet that has a VHS player.

\---

The following day, Levi and Eren are watching _Home Alone_ on an eleven by eleven inch television screen.

They are still at the handholding stage, but the movie is not bad and Eren being near him is even _more_ not bad. There's really nothing to complain about.

\---

"Where do you tell your family you're going when you come over here?"

"Out," Eren shrugs.

Levi's not sure what he was expecting to be the answer, but he's a bit disappointed.

( _Maybe_ he was thinking that Eren's answer would include hot, older boyfriend's house. Just _maybe_.)

\---

Levi, being the great _boyfriend_ —oh, isn't that a lovely word—that he is, suggests that they go out to the movies.

Eren's face lights up like a Christmas tree and the sky on the Fourth of July. It's mildly disturbing. On a scale of one to ten, one being okay, ten being unbelievably happy, Eren looked like a twelve when Levi mentioned the date idea.

Levi's not even sure what movie they bought tickets for, Eren made all the decisions, even on snacks.

The movie is shit, absolute shit, but Eren's holding his hand, so it's not the worst.

Halfway through the movie, Eren yawns (totally _not_ genuine, Levi may add) and his arm is magically wrapped around Levi's shoulders. He doesn't mind though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ
> 
> Kind of short, but it's fluffy! 
> 
> Idk, but awkward ereri gives me life.


	5. and this is the room one afternoon i knew i could love you

They have barely finished watching  _Back to the Future 2_ when Levi realizes that Eren's been asleep. Like dead asleep, he may have poked Eren's cheek a couple of times.

His lips are slightly parted and he's snoring. It shouldn't be adorable, snoring is _not_ adorable, but it is. Then he starts playing with Eren's hair because it's just right there and it's softer than it looks.

He rakes his blunt fingernails across Eren's scalp and he makes a noise that's half a sigh and half a moan. It goes straight to his dick, so he moves his hand away, lets Eren rest.

\---

"Do your friends know we're together?" Eren asks out of the blue. They're at the cemetery today. Eren had felt guilty about not visiting his father for a while.

"No, I haven't told them yet." Levi admits.

"… my dad never knew I was gay." Eren says rather offhandedly.

"Does your mom know?"

"Yeah, she always knew somehow, I think it was her mother's intuition or something. It's just that I was… scared. I always got the feeling that he was homophobic."

"That sucks." Levi mumbles.

"Yeah," Eren sighs. "Once I had a guy over, we were making out in my bedroom, right? My dad fucking walks in and the guy—Bert—his hand was all the way down my pants—I mean, we weren't kissing anymore, but his hand was totally on my dick. My dad was like 'What's going on here?' I was freaking out and Bert was sweating _buckets_ worth of sweat. I say 'nothing', my dad nods then leaves the room. I feel like he knew, but he liked to pretend I wasn't and I'd indulge him… I kinda wish I didn't now, I wish I was more honest."

Levi doesn't say anything to that, but it gets him thinking. Thinking and hoping that he doesn't die with regrets, doesn't go out wishing he did _this_ or _that_. He remembers his uncle telling him that wishing was for losers, that if he wanted something, he had to get it himself.

His and Eren's hands are inches away from each other on the grass. He knows that he's allowed to touch him now, but when he even thinks about it, anxiety bubbles up in his chest. This hand, he realizes, is his to hold, to squeeze— _to possibly put a ring on_. Same with his hand to Eren and it's absolute insanity.

He swallows down all the anxiety, paranoia, fear (if only for a second, really) and gently lays his hand on top of Eren's. The contrast between their skin tones is quite lovely, he thinks. Eren looks at him and smiles. It's a different smile, not the one that takes up his entire face, this one is small and tender.

"Can I kiss you?" Levi blurts out. He doesn't make any sudden moves though, maybe if he makes like a statue, they can both forget the last thirty seconds.

"You don't have to ask me that."

Levi grumbles something about being a gentleman under his breath.

"So… " Eren trails off, biting his lower lip, acting coy. It's ridiculous how cute Eren looks—human beings should not be able to reach that level of cuteness.

"We should head to my place." It sounds sleazy when it comes out.

"Oh?" Eren says, he's absolutely flushed.

"I'm not… " Levi sighs, starting over, "We're in a cemetery."

"Oh. Yeah, yeah. My dad and—" he gestures toward the rows of headstones. "I'm so fucking dumb." He laughs, and Levi swears that rays of sunshine emanate from his face.

(When did Levi get so gross?)

They hold hands while they make the short walk to Levi's house.

It's sort of embarrassing when they're seated on the couch, facing each other. Levi feels like a dork because he fucking _asked if he could kiss him_ and now they're staring at each other, flushed and wanting and he's a dweeb and Eren is like the super hot guy in high-school that Levi wants to bone and marry and buy matching couples t-shirts with.

"Are you going to kiss me?" Eren breaks the silence.

"See, I was going to, but then you said that…"

Eren giggles and it's music to Levi's ears. He can't be a real person, with his eyes and his laugh and his _everything_. Eren rests his forehead on Levi's shoulder. "We don't have to do this now." He mumbles, "And Levi, next time, don't ask."

\---

"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." Levi has to hold the phone away from his ear, Hanji is so fucking loud.

"Yeah."

"What's going on in your life?"

"I'm seeing someone—"

There is screaming on the other line and some other noises that suggest that Hanji is saying English words.

"I'm going to go deaf."

"Tell me about him! Is he cute? Have you guys done it yet? Is he cute? How old is he? Where'd you guys meet? What's he like? Is he—"

"Shut up for, like, two seconds."

"Have you told Erwin yet?"

"No."

"Just wondering. I'm the first person you told, I feel so special. You love me, don't you?"

"Sure." There's this odd fluttering sensation in Levi's stomach and god, he wants to tell Hanji everything. Tell them how beautiful Eren is, how his eyes get all sparkly when he speaks, how he's so open and honest and trusting.

"Is he cute—I know he's cute, I'm so happy for you! What's his name?"

"His name is Eren… " Levi lowers his voice a bit, like this is highly classified information, "and yeah, he's cute."

There's more shrieking on the other line and nonsense words coming from Hanji, then the line drops. Levi stares at his phone for a while, sets it down and decides to wash the few dishes in his sink.

Levi feels like a bottle of soda that's been shaken, but not open. It's absurd.

The phone starts to ring when he's watching television. It's Erwin.

"Hey," Levi's very suspicious of Erwin's tone.

"Hanji called you?"

"Yeah and I'm very upset that I wasn't the first one to know of your boyfriend." Erwin has a way of sounding betrayed and excited simultaneously.

Levi hears a muffled ' _congratulations'_ , which he's fairly sure is Mike.

"Thanks."

"How'd it happen? His name is Eren, right? We should all have dinner together."

"Yeah, Eren. It just sorta happened."

"Details, details, Levi." It's Mike's voice that he hears.

"Am I on speaker?"

"Maybe."

"I'm going to hang up—"

"Don't, _come on_. As your friend, Levi, I feel like I should always be filled in with what's going on in your life." He can just tell that Erwin's wearing his disappointed face, he'll never admit that it actually gets to him.

"What do you want to know?" He sighs.

"How old is he? How long have you guys been together—"

"Is he hot?" Mike cuts in.

"I'm hanging up."

"Levi—" he taps on _end call_. He feels just about ready to explode. He wants to spill his guts, but his mouth hurts. He's just realized that he's been smiling for the last five minutes.

\---

"Have you told your friends about… us?" _Us_. That's new. That's nice.

"Yeah." Eren smiles and Levi feels like he's been punched in the heart and that feels good somehow.

"No one's bothered by the fact that I'm fourteen years older than you?"

"Well, my mom was a little iffy about it, I mean you are closer to her age than mine—"

"Enough on that topic."

"Levi," Eren pouts, "it's not a big deal, alright?"

He doesn't reply, just stares ahead at the television screen. It's not like he cared about it much before, but the reminder of the age difference feels like a slap in the face.

"Don't be like that, you're being a _sourpuss_."

Levi has to give him a look.

"If I don't give a fuck, then you shouldn't give a fuck."

"Okay, fine."

Eren slips his hand into Levi's. Levi relaxes instantly, he feels like he can breathe without the weight of insecurity on his chest.

"You know, you're kind of cute when you're pissed off." Eren yawns, he rearranges himself so his head's in Levi's lap.

"Cute? I'm not cute." He pokes Eren's forehead.

"Right," Eren rolls his eyes, "you're not cute, you're _sexy_."

"Damn right. You're the cute one, not me." Eren had the audacity to blush. Levi pinches his pink cheeks.

"Actually, I think I'm rather handsome—my mom says I'm handsome."

"You're such a nerd."

"… So we're like a real couple now, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Can I meet your friends soon?"

This time, Levi's able to easily say, "yes."

\---

Eren kisses Levi after they've finished dinner, after he's finished with the dishes. Levi's leaning against the counter, Eren's hands on his hips, they're unbelievably close.

"Thank you for dinner," Eren says.

"Well, I do have to feed your fine ass."

Eren does his stupid (sickeningly sweet) little giggle. The moment just seems right, he's happy—they're happy.

His eyes keep drifting toward Eren's mouth and it's ridiculous. It can't be healthy to feel this nervous and excited at the same time. His lips are begging to be kissed.

He hates that he has to get on his tiptoes, but Eren also bends down just a bit and their lips are touching. It's slow, but it's sure—he feels anchored and secure where he is, with Eren.

It soon turns filthy, _lots_ of tongue and Eren's making all these disgustingly cute noises. They finally have to separate because there's this phenomenon called breathing which Levi almost totally forgot about because _Eren_ and his lips.

And apparently he's clutching Eren's arms, his fingernails have been digging into his arms and there's got to be little crescent shaped indentations in Eren's skin. And god, he loves that. He could most definitely fall to the floor if he weren't sandwiched between Eren and the counter.

And Eren is a sight to see, he's looks like he's in outer space. His eyes are distant and almost completely black, his lips look incredibly glossy and swollen. Eren kisses the tip of his nose, this has Levi flushed.

"I gotta get home." Eren breathes, he's still attempting to catch his breath.

"Now?"

"Yeah or my mom's gunna be upset. I'll see you tomorrow." He's smiling so big, it's contagious.

There's a not too tight—perfect, actually—hug in the doorway (there's been weeks worth of practice), then Eren's prancing into the black night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Listen to "A Little Lost" by Sufjan Stevens. The song is so cute and it just fits with this chapter.)
> 
> Happy, happy shit, I know. But beware, I see angst in the future. The rating may also go up... 
> 
> (((And I'd like to thank everyone who subscribes, gives kudos and comments, you are all so beautiful and wonderful and I want to give you infinite happiness)))


	6. jesus christ, i love you, yes i do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I tots fucked up, like, I deleted a part of this then I pasted it back. So if you read this chapter and it seemed incomplete—sorry. I have a grasp on technology, I swear. Idk what went wrong, but everything should be alright now.

All they do is make out now, literally.

Levi's not sure exactly how much saliva they've swapped, but it's a lot. Like, a lot. He's memorized the taste and texture of Eren's mouth.

\---

He does not acknowledge Eren's erection nudging his thigh, he also doesn't acknowledge his own arousal.

Levi wants _it_ , he does (really fucking badly, like, there's this wonderful way for them to be even closer. Eren could be inside of him for god freaking sakes). But not only is he _not_ ready, but he's fucking scared. Like chest tight, ice water pumping through his veins scared—terrified.

There's many uncomfortable memories and holding _this_ off is his last form of defense. Eren's going to get too close, then he'll realize that he doesn't want this, doesn't want him.

So he pulls away, catching his breath, trying to think, trying to keep himself sane. Eren smiles down at him, distant and very beautiful.

Levi's willing away his erection as Eren continues to stare at him, but he keeps thinking about how he likes Eren's weight and warmth on top of him and that's really not helping anything.

"I'm hungry," Eren mumbles against his cheek.

"What do you want?"

"Could we have Chinese food?"

"Sure, I'll order," Levi pushes his arm in between the couch cushions looking for his cell phone. He's only slightly embarrassed that he knows the Chinese restaurant's number by heart.

He stays sprawled out underneath Eren as he orders the food. Eren makes like a blanket, he doesn't move, it feels like he's melted on top of him. He could stay like this for a while.

They're eating on the couch, which took a lot of convincing from Eren.

"I wanna pay for dinner next time." Eren states.

"If you want."

"Yeah and we can go to a fancy restaurant."

"Sounds nice."

\---

Levi observes Eren from across the street. He's not sitting in the grass, he's standing, staring down at his father's headstone. Levi knows that he shouldn't be watching, it's private and he has his own shit to worry about.

Eren's shit feels like his shit though, at least now it does.

\---

"I hate my dad," Eren finally declares. He's been grumbling nonsense underneath his breath for the past couple of minutes, he looks very irritable.

"Yeah? Hate is a pretty strong word."

"He's a piece of shit, Levi."

"Why the sudden change of feelings?" He doesn't like seeing Eren worked up, but it's difficult to relate to anything to do with parents or family.

"… I just, I just wish that he didn't die before he had a chance to be a good father. I'm tired of acting like I'm not upset with him—I am." His lower lip is quivering and he's wringing his hands. Eren takes a deep breath, "I'm going to head home, I'm sorry, I'll see you tomorrow." He pecks Levi's cheek then he's out the door.

\---

Levi's trying to figure out if it's alright to be mad at the deceased. It seems rather pointless, he concludes. It seems rather pointless to even think about the dead.

Yet he and Eren can't let go.

He decides to tell Eren this and it doesn't go so well. Eren looks like he wants to punch him.

"How the hell can you say that? You sound heartless!"

"Eren," Levi says calmly, "I'm saying that you should focus more on your own life. What's the point of dwelling on someone who's dead?"

"So if I dropped dead right now, you just be like fuck it. And never think about me again?"

"That's not what I said."

"But that's what you're implying. Levi, I love my dad and he wasn't the greatest, but I still care about him and think about him—there's nothing wrong with that."

Levi closes his eyes for just a second, let's the words wash over him. Sometimes he feels like a shell of a human being sans heart and soul. He feels Eren's arms around his waist.

"Don't you feel held back at all?" He asks, "like it hurts more to think about him than not?"

"I haven't really tried not thinking about him… so I don't know." Eren tells him.

Levi sighs. "I'm sorry that I come off as heartless."

"No—that was an awful thing for me to say. It's not true."

"But it is, don't you feel cold when you touch me?"

"What? No. Don't say shit like that." Eren's petting his hair now and he sort of, maybe likes it. A lot. "It's okay to think about the past, you know, like, dead people. They're still important. Nothing's really pointless when you think about it."

\---

Eren's always touching him, _always_. He seems to have taken a liking to his ass in particular. It comes off as a subconscious effort when he smacks it or gropes it. Levi's blushing way too much—it can not be healthy. And then Eren mutters these borderline pornographic things into his ear during the most random times and it feels like sweet torture.

The last time Levi had sex was years ago. He can count the sexual partners he's had on one hand.

(He's not necessarily terrified of the sex, per se, it's the fact that he'll be having sex with someone he loves for the first time.)

So anytime things get really hot and heavy, Levi reluctantly pulls away. Eren looks at him quizzically.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing—nothing is wrong."

Eren cocks his head to the side, he looks very unconvinced. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to, you know that." Suddenly Levi feels like the twenty year old in this relationship.

"I know," Levi breathes, "I don't want you to get bored with me." His chest feels tight when he admits this.

"Hey, I could never get bored with you… I—uh… I really care about you and I like kissing you and all the things we do now."

Levi's eyes sting a bit, he has to blink excessively for a moment to clear them. "Okay, yeah… just cuddle with me right now." He doesn't mean to sound whiny and pathetic, but he can't help it. He smiles to himself when Eren wraps his arms around him. He never admit it, but he loves being the little spoon.

Eren kisses the nape of his neck, he hums in response. Eren's so warm, like a human furnace.

He falls asleep in Eren's arms.

\---

He wakes up alone. He understands that Eren has his own home—lives with his mother and sister—and can't be around him twenty four seven, but that doesn't stop him from complaining.

Complaining about the fact that they're not always kissing or touching. It's an irritating problem, really.

It involves an unbelievable amount of mumbling and avoiding eye contact, but Levi asks Eren if he will stay the night.

Eren says he has to ask his mom for permission and it gets Levi blushing for some reason. Eren's mom says yes, but it sounds like it took a bit of persuading.

They kiss in Levi's bed, it's not rushed and it's lazy, it's wonderful. Licking into Eren's mouth, no hints of urgency. Eren's got his hands on top of his ass, a gentle, warm weight on his backside.

When they pull apart, Eren's looking at him in _this_ way that gives Levi butterflies. There's a strip of light that comes through the window and it slants across Eren's face. He looks like some sort of mystical creature, all accentuated by the light—his eyes seem more green than usual.

"You're so beautiful, you know?" Eren says, his voice hushed even though they don't have to be quiet.

"Thank you." Levi sounds like he's being choked when he talks.

"I call 'em like I see 'em. When do you have to get up tomorrow?"

"Six thirty."

"Okay, can I make you breakfast—or at least try to?"

The thought makes Levi's lips twitch, he desperately tries to hold back a smile. "Yeah, if you want to."

"This is like a sleepover, yeah? The last I had a sleepover was when I was fourteen. When was your last sleepover?"

"I've never had one."

"What? Levi, don't lie to me."

"I'm telling the truth."

"Really?" He can tell that Eren's pouting just from his voice. "That sucks."

"Yeah." His bones feel so heavy, and he can feel himself nodding off, or wanting to nod off at least, but Eren doesn't sound a bit tired.

"We can have a real one, like, this weekend. Wouldn't that be nice? I'll bring over my Xbox, we'll order pizza, stay up all night long, talk about celebrity crushes. It'll be so much fun—I promise."

"Mmm," his eyes are only partly open at the moment.

"I'll let you get your beauty rest." Eren kisses his cheek, "sweet dreams."

\---

Levi wakes up smelling burnt toast. He panics for a minute, then shrugs and gets into the shower. He's sure that Eren knows what he's doing—sort of.

When he's showered and dressed, he enters his kitchen and Eren's already seated. There's a plate of eggs, bacon and burnt toast put out for him. His heart flutters a little.

Eren watches him as he eats. He's never been more happy about the control he has over his facial expressions because the food tastes like shit. The bacon is the only thing that tastes good. Eren somehow fucked up scrambled eggs—too much salt maybe? He eats most of it, then gives Eren a small smile.

"I'm so glad you liked it, Levi. I could cook for you more—"

"Hey, I have to get to work."

"Yeah, yeah. My class starts soon also."

"Want a ride?" Levi gets himself a travel mug of coffee. The coffee (he uses that term very lightly) at the office is like watered down gasoline.

"Nah, it's nice out, I'll walk."

"Are you sure?"

Eren nods. "I'll see you later."

There's an x-rated kiss and a smack on the ass on the doorstep and they're both off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took a little longer, only because I'm a turtle with a plan. Doesn't it feel good to know what you're doing?
> 
> Whenever I read angst, I'm like how in the world could someone write this? But then I remember how satisfying it is to write... This needs some angst, man.


	7. as we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changing the rating 'cause penis.

"You don't have to be here with me, you know?"

Levi shrugs.

"I can tell that you don't like it. I get it—it's… uncomfortable."

"I live across the street, it's not a big deal."

"You only feel that way because of long time exposure," Eren says.

They're both standing, not touching. They don't touch in the cemetery, not even hand holding. He thinks it has more to do with Eren's dad than the cemetery at large.

"Maybe."

"No, definitely. That explains it, Levi, there's no maybe. I think I'm getting that also. I can't remember coming here without crying, now, I don't know. I feel nothing—I mean I miss him, but I can't bring myself to cry. It's fucking weird."

Levi hums in response, this talk is making him uneasy.

"Imagine, like, months—years, maybe—from now, I won't even come here anymore. I'll think about him, but the whole _being here_ thing will be shit. It won't even matter whether I'm here or not. Maybe I'll come here only once a year, or not at all."

"You spend too much time with me." Levi says under his breath.

"What?" Eren turns to him. He looks gorgeous, as always. He's bundled up in a scarf and a hat and everything. His mom had forced him into those before he'd left the house. It's colder now. Levi wishes it'd snow already.

"Nothing."

"Levi, I'm fucked." His voice is flat.

\---

Eren's lips are chapped when Levi kisses him. It takes only a few kisses to make Levi hard.

(He's masturbated more in the last week than he has when he first discovered the joys of having a penis.)

One moment Eren's on top of him then he's in between his legs, kneeling on the floor.

"Can I, can I blow you, Levi?" Eren's looking him dead in the eye. It's sort of awful how innocent he looks at the moment.

"I—"

"If you don't like it at any point, you can tell me and I'll stop and we never have to talk about this again—I swear." Eren's running his hands up and down his thighs, it feels like he's zeroing in on his cock.

"Eren—"

"All I want to do is make you feel good, you know? I—I care about you so much and I wanna make you feel good."

There's a minute of intense eye contact, then Levi's nodding. Nodding excessively, enthusiastically.

This is okay, this is more than okay. It's not like he's never gotten a blowjob before, it's not like he's a virgin, but he fucking feels like one.

"I need you to use words."

" _Yes_ , you can, okay. Yeah."

Eren's mouth opens as if he's about to say something, but he stops and just lowers his face into Levi's groin.

"Eren—"

"Nope," he mumbles against the straining material of his pants, "shhh." And he just gets _harder_ the longer Eren stays like that.

After a moment, Eren retracts his face from Levi's crotch. He works quickly to unbutton the pants and pull the zipper down, there's a small wet patch forming on Levi's boxer briefs. Eren groans and he's licking at Levi through his underwear. Sucking, wetting the cotton. Levi doesn't know what to do with his hands, his fingers are twitching and he's panting already.

Eren resurfaces and his eyes are dark. He sneaks his thumbs into the waistband of his underwear and pulls down. There's a gasp, Levi's not sure from who. His cock is now just _there_ —harder than it's been his entire life and leaking.

Eren tongues the slit, resulting in Levi making a noise similar to that of a wounded animal. Eren's eyes flick up to meet his. He runs his tongue up and down the underside, tracing the vein as he goes.

Eren's now got the head of his cock in his mouth. Levi groans, already knowing that this will be over embarrassingly quick. Eren's then taking him all the way into his mouth, it's ridiculous how obscene and _hot_ it is to see his erection disappear into Eren's mouth. He hollows out his cheeks, then he's bobbing his head, up and down, up and down. The wet heat of his mouth is overwhelming.

He carefully situates his hands atop Eren's head, combing his fingers through the mess of his hair. It's too warm—too hot—the pressure building in his gut. Eren sucks particularly hard and Levi moans incredibly loud and his eyes shut. Eren's making little whimpering noises.

"Levi… ?"

Levi's eyes open promptly. He has to blink a couple of time before he can actually see. When his vision clears, he's not too happy and he goes flaccid immediately. He grabs a couch pillow to cover Eren's head and his dick. "Um… " he trails off.

Eren releases his cock from his mouth. "You're soft," he whines. His voice is gravely, rough. He slowly notices the pillow and Levi's sheet white face and the fact that there are three more people in the room. Eren's face is red as a tomato and he looks like he wants the floorboards to swallow him up.

Levi takes a deep breath, gathering his composure then actually looking at his friends.

"Is this your boyfriend, Levi?" Erwin is as red as Eren.

"The door was locked, how did you get in here?"

"I may have taken your key, made copies then distributed the copies, then returned the original." Hanji says, looking off to the side as if they're guileless.

After Eren has put Levi's cock back into his trousers and zipped everything up, he stands up, dusts off the knees of his denims. He takes a seat next to Levi.

"I'm Eren." His voice is still shit and his lips are swollen and almost as red as the rest of his face. Levi wants to kiss him.

No one replies, so Eren keeps talking. "Yeah, I'm Levi's boyfriend… Um, I'm sorry—"

"Don't apologize for shit. You dumbasses," Levi glares at his so called friends, "fucking just barged into my house like you own the place."

"We brought pizza," Mike says, holding up two pizza boxes. He looks too amused, Levi thinks.

" _Eren_ ," Hanji drawls, "it's so nice to meet you." They make their way to the couch, sitting next to Eren. They shake hands.

That leads to awkward salutations and introductions.

They all move to the kitchen table and begin to eat the pizza. Levi and Eren are seated next to each other. He desperately wants to reach for Eren's hand, but he keeps talking himself out of it. So his hands are just incredibly twitchy as he settles them on his thighs.

"I've been wanting to meet you guys for a while," Eren says, he's doing an excellent job at pretending that the last fifteen minutes did not happen, he's still crimson red though. "I mean, not under this circumstance, but…"

Levi feels as if he should be somewhat embarrassed, but he's not, he's more upset. His dumbass friends interrupted a superb blowjob.

"We've been wanting to meet you also." Erwin states.

It's quiet after that, except for Mike chewing—the motherfucker always eats everything. It's especially odd because Hanji isn't filling the silence with their irritating thoughts, but they do seem thoroughly entertained. Levi is suspicious.

Mike stops eating long enough to speak, "so, how long have you guys been seeing each other?"

"Almost a month, I think." Eren looks to Levi, asking for confirmation. He simply nods.

"How old are you?" Hanji asks.

"I'm twenty," he's smiling, he doesn't seem too nervous, like he's gotten over the rough—oh so very rough—start. Eren's voice still sounds hoarse, but he's overlooking the shitty start. Levi's proud of him.

Hanji nods, looking between Eren and Levi.

"I'd appreciate a call before coming over next time—it could save a lot of awkwardness."

"Yeah, definitely," Erwin turns pink again, so does Eren.

"So, you two are getting married?" Eren asks, obviously trying to move on.

"Mhmm," Mike says, he's not eating anymore and coincidentally there's no more pizza.

"Yes, we haven't really planned anything yet. We're currently working on the invitations. And by we, I mean me—I've been working on them." Erwin looks accusingly at Mike, who just shrugs, a small smile on his lips.

"We picked a location though. We're going to have a beach wedding."

"That's so—wow. That's going to be so beautiful." He sort of squeals, it's odd, odd and cute, then he's smiling the smile that takes over his entire face. "I'd definitely have a beach wedding also."

"Yeah, you like the beach?"

"Yes, yes I do. It's my favorite place to be—your wedding's going to be so nice."

"Who's going to be the bride?" Hanji asks. They're smirking a bit.

"Erwin." Mike muses. Erwin gives him a look.

"I really don't want to see you in a dress." Levi drawls, trying to not even think about that. Eren giggles.

"I'm not wearing a dress," Erwin sighs, "We're both going to be in white tuxedos."

"That sounds lovely," Hanji hums.

"It does," Eren agrees.

Levi's tuning in and out of the conversation. He's thinking about marriage and the concept of forever. It's quite frightening, but he's also not opposed to it, exactly. He pushes all these feelings down. They've only been together for a month, that alone doesn't even feel real, yet he's thinking of huge commitments.

(He feels rather ill.)

"I know, Erwin's going to look so fucking hot." Mike turns and gives Erwin some sort of look or mouths something rather obscene because Erwin's face is suddenly flushed.

"You guys are gross," Levi scowls.

"That's all you have?" Hanji says, "you used to be creative with your insults."

"Fuck off."

"I think it's about time I get home." Eren says, clearing his throat.

"Now?" Levi mumbles. He doesn't want him to go. He's so tempted to beg and whine, but he sucks it up.

"Yeah, it's sorta late… will you walk me out?" Levi nods. They both get up and he can feel his friends' eyes on them as they move.

When the door closes behind them, Levi takes a deep breath.

"I like your friends," Eren says, intertwining their fingers.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Eren nods. "I just wish that they hadn't walked in on… it was supposed to be special, but I'm glad I met them."

"I'm just glad you had a nice time."

"Mhmm, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah." Levi squeezes Eren's hands, tugs him down a bit.

Eren looks down at him, he seems hesitant, his eyes flick toward the door. "Your friends are watching."

"I figured, but I still want a kiss… or two."

Eren smirks a little, his eyes shining. "As you wish," He murmurs against Levi's lips, he hadn't even realized how close they were.

"Did you just—?"

"And I thought that would go right over your head."

"I've fucking seen _The Princess Bride_ —thank you very much." Levi closes the last couple of centimeters between them.

The kiss is rather urgent. Incredibly desperate and just passionately aggressive. It's more than a kiss or two, really. (Levi feels spoiled.)

When they've separated, there's still a line of saliva connecting them. Eren looks like he's floating, Levi tugs on his hands again trying to bring him down to earth.

"Get out of here."

"As you wish." Eren raises Levi's hand, brings it up to his face and kisses his wrist.

"Stop saying that!"

Eren squints at him then he smiles, the small tender one. He gently drops his hand and untangles their fingers.

"See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight." Levi watches Eren disappear into the night. When he turns toward the door, he sees a lot of movement. He pretends to be unaware of the fact that his friends can't mind their own damn business.

"And you said _we_ were gross." Erwin teases.

"I wasn't lying." Levi says as he seats himself back at the table.

"Eren is so adorable!" Hanji screeches.

"Yeah, I know."

"You guys seem good together." Erwin says as Mike nods in agreement.

His chest is flooded with warmth. He wasn't looking for approval from his friends, but he's really happy that he has it. "Thank you." He ends up replying.

"And sorry for the whole barging in thing."

"I accept your apology. You may all leave now."

Hanji's pouting, but they still say, "yeah, okay."

When everyone's gone, Levi feels unbelievably drained, as if he'll drop anywhere. He barely makes it to his own bed.

When he's under the covers, warm and comfortable, he can't help thinking about Eren and beach weddings. He barely gets any sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… I don't really write smut, can you tell? I've been thinking about this chapter since I started writing this. 
> 
> Look forward to lots of movie references and awkwardness!
> 
> Happy Holidays, you're all so wonderful, accept these hugs and kisses (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ


	8. through the wave and undertow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware, there's a vaguely described handjob and whatnot in this chapter.

"Levi, are you afraid of death?" Eren mumbles.

"I don't know."

"Like, what's it gunna be like? I keep imaging a void and that scares the shit out of me. What if we end up being these floating souls and we just watch from above as the world goes on without us?"

"You don't have to worry about that shit for a while, Eren."

"Yeah, I know, but still. I can't _not_ think about it. My dad was just fifty one when he passed away—I could go at any time." Eren rearranges his feet in Levi's lap.

"That's an awful mindset," Levi comments.

"What about that whole _live like you're dying_ thing?"

"Yeah, I get that, but stop thinking about death in general and appreciate life and shit."

"Were you just encouraging me to be… optimistic?"

"I'm not sure." He looks puzzlingly towards Eren, who just smiles, all goofy and cute.

"I think you were. I think that's the best advice you've given me…" He looks towards the ceiling thoughtfully, "You know when my dad died I was so freaked out. Like, of course because my dad was now  _dead_ , but also because his death actually affected me. We didn't have the best relationship, but we were close. And it's like he just wasn't there anymore—I couldn't even understand it. I kept expecting him to just be there. I'm still struggling with that."

Levi isn't sure of what to say, so he says, "I'm sorry."

Eren sighs, he reclines back, rests his head on the armrest of the couch. "Death seems like a simple concept—I guess I'm just really dense."

"Do you ever think that you're still alive for a reason, like there's a plan for you?" Levi asks because he's had so many people tell him that, that he's still here for a reason. He's not sure if he believes it though.

"See, I used to think that, like I'm meant to do something big and important, but what about all the people who died young? It seems like we're saying their lives weren't important. That's not fair to them, is it?"

"No, it's not fair." A heavy silence follows. Levi stares intently at Eren's socked feet resting on his thighs. His socks are mismatched, one's white and the other is striped.

After a short while, Eren speaks up, "You know what I hate?"

"What?" Levi says hesitantly, suddenly feeling paranoid and questioning how he happened to fuck something up.

"I hate when people treat me like a kid. I hate being coddled."

"Yeah? I mean, you do look a bit younger than twenty." He doesn't mention the fact that he thought Eren wasn't legal when they had first met.

"Really?" Eren groans, "I just don't want you to treat me like a child though."

"I won't—I don't, correct?"

"You _don't_ ," Eren looks at him in a way that leaves him faint, he would've collapsed if he weren't already seated.

"If I'm being a douche, you can tell me."

"I will."

"Good," Levi says, feeling grounded in a way. Sometimes he still can't believe it, that Eren wants to be with him and kiss him and touch him. It's overwhelming.

"And you'll do the same, call me out on my shit?"

"I'll try."

\---

It's the second time they've gone out on a date. It's the movies again because Eren's not satisfied with the short list of movies that Levi has seen.

(It's not like Eren has to drag him out though. Levi's willing to go anywhere as long as Eren is with him.)

Their forearms are awkwardly rubbing against each other on the shared armrest. Levi doesn't know what it is, but he feels brave—or at least more brave than he usually does—so he folds his hand around Eren's.

The contact gives him butterflies.

Eren leans over a bit, Levi can feel his warm breath ghosting over his ear, "I don't know why," he whispers, "but I want to suck your dick so bad right now." Eren squeezes his hand and refocuses on the movie. It's suddenly too congested in the theatre, Levi feels as if he's in a sauna. _He can't just say shit like that._

He's hard just from the words and he subtlety spreads his legs a bit and tries to think about dust or a sink full of dishes to will away his erection. Eren shouldn't be allowed to tease like that. It's completely unfair.

He wants to tease right back, but anything he thinks of isn't really sexy—sexy and slutty are two different things. He definitely can't do sexy, but slutty seems to be coming easy to him.

"I'm gunna go to the bathroom," Eren says, smiles at Levi as he leaves their row and makes his way down the steps, disappearing in the darkness of the theatre.

Levi takes a deep breath, trying to unwind and not explode. He tries to pay attention to the movie, but it's too difficult. His head is spinning, he's almost breathless. He may be in too deep, sinking to the bottom already.

What if Eren doesn't feel the same way, doesn't feel the same depth of feelings? It feels like he's drowning all by himself. It's terrifying and he's so vulnerable, but it's like trying on a new skin and he sort of enjoys that aspect of it.

And the aspect of Eren reciprocating his feelings, even if they're not to Levi's extent.

(He feels loved. And that's all that really matters.)

Eren returns from the bathroom after a long while, Levi doesn't ask any questions though. Their hands are rightfully connected again. The movie seems more exciting just with Eren being present now.

\---

It's difficult to unlock the front door while Eren's tongue is down his throat. Eren's also rubbing himself against Levi, they're both incredibly hard. He can't focus on getting the key into the lock, he can't even think. He feels like he's in a sauna again, it's too hot, Eren's too hot.

"You know," Eren breathes when Levi finally pulls away to get the door unlocked, "you were supposed to follow me to the bathroom… " Eren trails off when Levi turns around to look at him.

"I thought you were shitting." Levi cocks his head to the side, fuck, he's so stupid.

"No, I wasn't. I was waiting for you. I thought I was obvious." He grabs Levi's crotch, the touch makes him gasp.

It takes a second to regain his composure. "Not obvious enough," he takes Eren's hand, pulls him into the house, all the way to the couch. Pulls him on top of him, he shouldn't like being underneath him so fucking much.

"I was wondering… if you'd give me another chance to be more obvious, huh?" Eren's eyes are half lidded, staring down at him, into him.

"Yeah," his voice cracks.

Eren gracefully slithers down his body until his face is hovering above Levi's trouser covered erection. "I was waiting in the bathroom for you, Levi," he says as he unzips Levi's pants, pulling his erection out, also pushing Levi's shirt up his chest, "god, I was so hard thinking about you. I wanted to touch myself so bad… " Eren caresses his exposed chest.

"Did you—" Levi clears his throat, the air feels thick all of a sudden. It's like he's being electrocuted, every touch feels like too much and not enough, "did you touch yourself?"

"Well," Eren's slowly stroking Levi's cock now, "maybe." His lips twist into a small smile. Eren's hand feel like heaven and Levi's biting his lip, trying not to let any embarrassing noises escape.

"Maybe?"

"Yeah, maybe. If you had followed me to the bathroom, you would know for _sure_." He's stroking Levi faster. Levi is mewling, stuttering trying to reply, but words aren't forming. "You have no idea how hot you look right now, Levi… "

Levi's not sure why, but _I love you_  bubbles up his throat. He's biting his lip even harder. It physically hurts attempting to keep his mouth shut.

"S'gorgeous," Eren mumbles underneath his breath.

It's mortifying how tightly wound up he is, he's _this_ close to coming all over himself. Eren's kissing him now, all tongue and filth. Like he wants to eat him, fuck, Levi wants to be devoured.

It's doesn't take much time then he's coming and he can't breathe and it's too hot and there's sparks flying across his vision and he's never felt so damn good in his entire life.

He distantly hears Eren muttering, "shit." He keeps his eyes closed though, listens to both of their frantic, heavy breathing. Eren whimpers then collapses on top of him.

Levi wraps his arms around Eren's body, he disregards the semen that's coating his stomach. Eren mumbles something against his neck, he's not sure if he heard him correctly so he keeps quiet.

\---

Levi expects things to change after the previous night, but they don't. He sort of wishes they would. He wants to talk about sex or the lack thereof. He wants to tell Eren that he's scared, that's it's been the number one thing on his mind, that he's willing to go into it with Eren despite his fear. But he keeps quiet.

\---

"My density has brought me to you." Eren mumbles. They're cuddling on the couch. It _was_ quiet.

"What?" Levi says, he didn't mean to play along.

"I'm Eren. Eren Jaeger. I'm your density. I mean, your destiny." Levi snorts and rolls his eyes at the same. He rubs his ass into Eren's groin—not on purpose, he was trying to get comfortable. Eren moans and unsuccessfully tries to hide it with a bogus cough. "Aren't you glad I made you watch that movie?"

"Mhmm… now be quiet. Rest."

"I'm not tired though."

"Do you ever take naps, Eren?"

"Sometimes. But I don't want to sleep now—I never want to sleep when I'm with you… I always want to be looking at you and touching you and talking to you. What I'm saying is… I want to be conscious when we're together."

"Were you trying to be sweet?" Levi deadpans, hoping Eren can't see him blushing.

"Hey, you like the gooey romantic stuff, I know you know you do. And I like being grossly romantic so it all works out."

"Whatever you say." In all honesty, he does like the gooey romantic shit. The nose kisses and looks—all the gestures that have him flustered, just completely confused, wondering why the fuck this kid even likes him.

The last month has been filled with an unbelievably amount of befuddlement, but also sweaty palms and sweet kisses and this warmth that's he's never experienced before. Their close proximity doesn't bother him. Eren has been closer to him than anyone else has been and he's still here.

It makes Levi want to tell him everything. All the shitty memories, the secrets he keeps locked up, everything. "Eren," he says, turning his body so he can hide his face in Eren's chest.

"Yeah?"

"You're really amazing," rolls out of his mouth instead of whatever he was about to say. He's partly embarrassed and partly upset with himself.

"Thank you. You are also amazing."

Levi offers Eren a small smile, trying not to let his frustration surface.

\---

Eren had already gone home a while ago and Levi knows that he's just asking for trouble when he decides to visit the cemetery. It's chilly and pitch black out. He's so incredibly tired, but he _has_ to do this. Just has to.

It's not difficult to find the headstones. He seats himself in front of them. And he feels nothing, he's not sad or enraged or anything. There's a small tugging sensation in his chest, but that's it. That's really all he'll allow himself to feel.

He's beginning to hate that about himself. He wants to feel things like Eren feels them. And not limit himself. It may be too late for him though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep putting off the angst, man. I can't even bring myself to write something really sad after reading chapter 65, Isayama is trying to break my heart. (I'm looking back at the chapters and legit, this story looks like a bunch of random events and shit, but I have a plan!)


	9. and how you built a tower tumbling through the trees

"My family wants to meet you," Levi literally just opened the front door and Eren's yelling in his face. He looks panicked, his eyes looking larger than normal, if that's even possible.

"Okay, yeah."

Eren frantically shakes his head, "Levi, Mikasa and my mom are down the street! They followed me here!"

"… okay, did you not want me to meet them?"

Eren looks down, avoids eye contact, "that's not it, I was planning a dinner or something. This is so unorganized and Mikasa never likes any of my boyfriends."

"I think I can deal with your sister, Eren." Levi says more to himself than Eren. He needs to be calm. "It'll be fine."

"If you say so." Levi sees the car stop in front of his house. He breathes deeply to calm his racing heart. Seeing Eren's mother, Carla, feels like being slapped in the face, she looks so much like Eren. Her face is definitely calmer though, lacking the subtle insanity that lies beneath Eren's skin.

Then he's sees Mikasa, he already knew there'd be no resemblance. She's beautiful, nonetheless, in a very terrifying way. Just from the quick glance they share, Levi knows that he's fucked.

"Mom, Mikasa, this is Levi." Eren's giving off this nervous energy and its nearly suffocating. Levi shakes both Carla and Mikasa's hands. There's so much tension between him and Mikasa, it's unbelievable. No ones ever hated him this quickly before—he usually gets a word in prior.

"Nice to meet you guys," he welcomes them into the house. He's suddenly hyper-aware of every fucking thing he does. His steps feel awkward and robotic and he has to remind himself to breathe. Eren's sitting way too close to him on the couch, while Mikasa and Carla take up the love-seat.

"Sorry, for the inconvenience or lack of notice," Carla smiles, it's almost disturbing how much she looks like Eren, "Eren said he was going to see you and we thought it was time we all met."

"It's fine, I've been wanting to meet you also." He looks from Carla to Mikasa, looks back at Carla who isn't glaring at him.

"How old are you?" Mikasa speaks up.

"Thirty-four," he states. Mikasa doesn't respond, she choses to look at Eren, an unreadable expression on her face.

Levi takes that time to go on autopilot, it all feels like too much now.

He's not sure how, but he makes it through an hour with Eren's family. He's walking them to the door, Carla's smiling, Mikasa looks less murderous, so he didn't fuck everything up. Carla's talking about meeting up again, Levi's agreeing. They're leaving.

Levi's breathing normally once again.

His legs feel weak and wobbly.

Eren's kissing him against the door, quite aggressively, he may add.

"That was rough," Levi says in between breaths.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I can't believe that just happened."

"Levi," Eren squints at him, "you did fantastic."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Eren solidifies by kissing the tip of his nose.

\---

Life, in general, feels easier after Levi's met Carla and Mikasa. It feels like he's on the other side of a small mountain, he's accomplished something.

But days later, it's like he's run into another small mountain, not even a large hill, definitely a small mountain. And that mountain is the fact that in Eren's mind half a blowjob and one handjob (and _lots_ of making out) means they're ready for sex.

Levi's not sure how teenagers do it now, but he's very surprised and quite anxious. The worst part though isn't Eren's eagerness or presumptuousness, but Levi's own eagerness. He _thought_ he was ready, he wanted to do it, despite the nerves. He _wants_ Eren, of course he does.

They're on his bed—blowjobs and handies on the couch, but sex on the bed, apparently. Levi is naked, so is Eren, they've been making out for at least twenty minutes. It's a bit scary, to be honest. Levi's heart is beating the quickest it ever has in his entire life. He's got a gorgeous, nude Eren rubbing against him and he's lightheaded from all the kissing.

The whole being naked thing is probably the most overwhelming. Levi's not in awful shape, but he hasn't done legitimate exercise since college and his diet is shit. Eren keeps murmuring all these things like _so beautiful_ and _fuck, so sexy_. And that's making Levi squirm.

"Is this okay?" Levi's momentarily pulled out of his own head. Eren's wriggling his lube coated digits in front of his face.

"Yeah, that's okay." The thing is he means it when he says it. Yes, he wants the fingers inside of him.

There's a nice, wet, firm pressure against his entrance, he's taking deep breaths. The finger slips inside and it really shouldn't feel so uncomfortable. He's had larger things in his ass and he's not a virgin.

But it feels huge—the moment, he means, the moment feels huge. What gets his mind reeling is the fact that _this_ is just the beginning and he's already freaking out. Levi always gets in his own head too much, it's something he's been doing forever, ruining everything for himself because he is shit.

His eyes open (when did he close them?) because the feeling, the arousal, the intrusion is gone. "Hey," Eren says gently, "you okay?"

Is he okay?

He's nodding at the same time he's saying, "no."

"I was going too fast—shit. I'm sorry, god, I just sort of… " Eren's already rolling off the bed, searching the room for his clothing. "I don't know, I shouldn't have assumed anything." Eren's words hit Levi like a freight train, he's about to speak up, but Eren bends over to pick up his boxers from the floor and Levi's distracted for three whole seconds, 'cause _damn_ , Eren is beautiful.

"Why do you blame yourself for everything?" Levi asks Eren and at the same time he thinks he's asking himself.

"Levi," Eren's hopping around, shoving his legs into his jeans, "I've never—I'm a brat, okay."

"Yeah, I've known that since day one."

"Like, a spoiled brat, I mean, when it comes to relationships. Like, I've never had to wait for sex… or anything, really. When I want it, I get it." He's just pulled his sweatshirt on.

"And… " Levi's feeling a bit self conscious now, being naked and all, with his pale, limp dick just there. He puts a pillow on his lap.

"I'm learning to be patient and considerate, I've never been with someone like you. And okay, maybe I'm being a little hard on myself, but I get so frustrated when I mess up. I don't want to mess up with you."

"… you haven't," Levi mumbles, "you won't."

"I just want you to be happy, I wanna make you feel good, not uncomfortable and panicked." Eren's talking as if Levi's not the totally fucked up one. "I'll lay off the—"

"Don't, let's just pretend this didn't happen, okay?"

"Okay. I… think that we have to talk before _this_ happens, only if you want it to, of course."

Levi just sighs and lies back in the bed. Eren's by his side now, curled around his body. "You have to understand that I do want to do it."

"Yeah, I know."

"Why are you so perfect?" Levi asks and he means it. Eren's perfect, or at least, perfect for him. They're beginning to fit together in a way that's almost too intricate, like it's meant to be. Levi shoves that thought to some dark corner of his mind. They've been together for about two months now and he's getting ahead of himself.

"I'm not perfect, Levi."

He's not sure why, but he suddenly feels like apologizing for everything. For pushing Eren away the first time they'd kissed. For the times he's lied, for being scared. Eren's just as afraid as Levi is, but he still goes for it, takes the leap of faith, _tries_.

"The last time I had a boyfriend was years ago," Levi says, "we went out for, like, two weeks and… the relationship was mostly sexual, if I'm being honest." After that part is out, he momentarily forgets the point of this little story. "What I'm trying to say is… this is difficult for me because I don't want to mess it up either. This is only difficult because… I care so much. I care about you. I don't want to ruin this."

"To not fuck this up, you just have to be present and talk to me, you know, tell me how you feel, what's going on inside your pretty head."

"You're my boyfriend, not my therapist." He separates himself from Eren, rolling over and not looking at him—he can't, not right now. He sits up a bit.

"Levi, you know what I mean. I just—whatever. I just feel like there's all these things that you're not telling me and if you were honest with me, your actions would make sense." Eren's mumbling now, "it's amazing how I can trust you, but you don't trust me."

"If you're just mad that I'm not ready to have sex, just say it, alright? Instead of… this." Levi knows it's bullshit as it falls from his lips.

"You know that's not it, don't say that… you know you're just spewing lies—" Eren's getting off the bed now, standing up, walking around so he's in front of Levi.

"Eren—" He hates this, hates that Eren's looking down at him, fucking shouting at him, upset with him.

"Be quiet, okay?" Eren interrupts, "I'm not going to fucking lie and say that I don't want sex, of course I do. I mean, you're so gorgeous and fuck, but I'm willing to wait as long as you want to, or if you never wanna do it, I'll manage. The thing is that I've been nothing but fucking honest with you and you're keeping all this shit from me—"

"We've only been together for barely two months, Eren," he's refusing to look at him as they argue, "calm down, we're not a fucking married couple—I don't have to tell you everything."

Eren takes a deep breath, "I know," his voice is gentler now, "but things like this, he gestures between them, "relating to us, you have to tell me."

"I don't have to do anything."

"If I'm being honest with you, you have to do the same with me. It's only fair!" Eren's voice is rising again.

"That's fucking kid logic, Eren, nothing is fair. Grow up." He leaves it at that and rolls over again, facing away from Eren.

"I—" he starts, but doesn't finish. "Fuck you." He ends up saying before he's storming out of the room. Levi hears the front door slam shut.

He's not sure how he currently feels.

\---

He's still not sure how he feels a week later when there's been no contact between him and Eren. Levi's calling Erwin before he even knows what he's doing, telling him that he screwed up so fucking bad, telling him that he knew he would, but it still hurts.

And he wants to numb the pain, wants to stop feeling in general, wants to go over to the cemetery and dig himself a grave to fall asleep in. There's this dull ache in his chest, this hollow, dull ache that he's never felt before. Levi's not even sure where they are in their relationship, no one said the words _break up_. Eren just up and left and they haven't been talking. And it's all Levi's fault. He tells Erwin all of this, mumbling, barely audible, so tired.

Erwin's telling him to _calm the fuck down_ , telling Levi to just breathe and not panic and that he'll be there in ten minutes. While he's waiting, walking around the house, he tells himself that it wasn't a break up, it wasn't. Simple as that. They were both very upset and they needed to breathe. For a week.

Everything will be fine, he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but Water Me//FKA Twigs is going through my mind right now
> 
> Anyway, there it is. I'll try to get the next chapter out soon.


	10. until i find myself again, again

So it's almost two weeks later and Levi's beginning to think that everything won't be fine. Just maybe. 

He's been doing things how he normally does them. Goes to work, comes back, drowns in self pity and hatred. Normal shit.

\---

Erwin, Hanji and Mike are constantly at his house. Hanji keeps bringing over some shit casserole, Levi doesn't complain though. He just eats it and tries not to activate his gag reflex. They keep trying to get him to explain what happened, all he can say is _I fucked up_.

The pain now, can't really be described as a dull ache. It's like he's been bitten, like Eren's bitten him, bit through his skin and muscle, maybe even the bone, but the wound refuses to heal. It's two weeks old, but it hurts like its a fresh bite.

Levi doesn't cry, he's not a cryer. He thinks that if he could, it'd help, it'd hurt less. He realizes that he's fucking sensitive as hell. He's just good at hiding it.

\---

The worst thing is when he's getting home from the office one evening and he sees Eren and his family at the cemetery. The wave of emotion that washes over him makes his knees buckle. He nearly sprints the short distance between his car and the front door.

When he's inside he collapses against the door after he's slammed it shut. He can't breathe.

It takes him awhile, but he gets up and acts as if nothing happened. He doesn't necessarily feel sad anymore, it's more like he's dead inside now.

Suddenly there's a knock at his door and he just about drops dead from cardiac arrest. He stares at the door, unmoving. Whoever it is knocks again.

"Levi, it's Mike. I know you're in there."

"Where's Erwin?" Levi shouts at the door.

"He's still at work."

"Why are you here? Where's Hanji?" Levi cautiously steps toward the door.

"You know, I have feelings also," Mike huffs, "I thought we were friends."

Levi doesn't respond.

"Hey, I brought alcohol… and Chinese food… and Clorox bleach and those Swiffer dust things." Levi is opening the door now to a smiling Mike. "Thank you, _friend_." Levi frowns as he lets him in.

"Why are you here?" He asks as Mike sets the items on the kitchen table. He brought wine coolers, out of any alcohol, he brought wine coolers, Levi's not as surprised as he should be.

"Can't a friend visit a friend?" Mike says before he sniffs the house. Either he's become more subtle about it or Levi doesn't pay any attention to it anymore.

"We're not really friends, we just both know Erwin—we're not _friend_ friends."

"Woah, I'm glad I don't have any feelings or that comment would fucking hurt."

"What do you want?" Levi's already sprawled out on the couch, a wine cooler in hand.

"Maybe you wanted to talk and get drunk, instead of eating Hanji's casserole and ignoring Erwin's questions." Mike is settling into the love seat. He looks hopeful. "I won't force you to talk or anything."

This statement, oddly enough, gets Levi talking. "He said that I didn't trust him, that I wasn't telling him anything."

"About—"

"Not _that_. Do you tell Erwin everything?"

"For the most part, yeah."

"Does he tell you everything?"

"He doesn't really have to. You know Erwin, he doesn't always say things, you have to read between the lines and shit. I mean, that's his way of communicating. It's not telepathy, but I just _know_."

"Are there any secrets that you haven't told him?"

Mike thinks for a while. "Sure… a few, I guess."

"Like?" Levi knows that he's being nosy, but they're are bonding, so he disregards the fact that if Mike asked him these questions, no way in hell would he answer.

Mike sort of gives him a look, as if he's onto him. "Nothing you need to know."

During the brief silence that follows, Levi takes a sip of the alcohol, he doesn't mind it too much. "I'm pretty sure I messed up the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Don't say that. It's normal for couples to fight."

"Yeah? Is it normal to not talk for two weeks?"

"Well, I don't think so. The longest Erwin's given me the silent treatment was about a day… You love him, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then how come you're not over at his place right now, begging for him to come back. Pull the Lloyd Dobler!"

Levi stares at him blankly.

"Lloyd Dobler… from _Say Anything_?"

"Okay."

"You know, the trench coat and the stereo playing _In Your Eyes_ by Peter Gabriel? Levi, seriously?"

"Mike, you don't even know, man."

"I don't even have a clue what to say."

"How's the wedding planning going?" Levi inquires because Mike isn't awful company, and maybe the more they converse, the less it'll hurt, at least for right now.

"No progress—we're both too busy. Erwin's still been up my ass about it though."

"Did you have to use that phrase?"

"Nice imagery, right?" Mike smirks.

"What's wrong with you?"

"So much, Levi, so much."

\---

Erwin comes by half an hour later. Levi can't help but observe Erwin and Mike, the sort of connection they have. They're a bit obnoxious, but they do love each other. A lot. Just in the looks they share and the way they touch each other. It makes Levi feel like shit, but he also feels a bit wishful. He wants strangers to be able to see the love that he shares with Eren.

He's wants their love to fill up a room and then some, an ocean and then some, a galaxy and then some.

Levi wants, wants so much that his body aches with hollowness.

But, god, he's terrified of the _what if'_ s. There are so many, so many ways he could screw up, so many ways everything could go wrong.

"Levi hasn't watched _Say Anything_." Mike brings up when they're eating the now cold Chinese food.

"I'm not surprised, he's not a movie person."

"But—everyone should see that movie. Erwin, it's almost wrong that he hasn't seen it."

"I agree," Erwin mutters, "but Levi just isn't a movie person." Then Erwin says, acknowledging Levi, "it's a good movie."

"I'll take your word for it."

"You know what," Mike chimes, "we should all go out, right? Not tonight, but tomorrow, something fun, like bowling."

"I'd rather not."

"Levi, come on. You haven't done anything fun in a while."

"I have no reason to do anything fun."

"Levi," Mike and Erwin beam at the same time. He seriously hates when they do that.

"No."

"It's final, we're going bowling tomorrow." Erwin looks almost too excited, Levi is suspicious.

"Well, you guys have fun," he drawls.

"Levi, you've got to get out of the house. This isn't healthy."

"Why is it such a big deal? I never go out."

Erwin gives him his fatherly, disappointed pout. It's a borderline puppy-dog pout. It may work on Mike, but doesn't work on Levi. Then him and Mike are having a side conversation about something Levi couldn't give a shit about.

Eren is suddenly on his mind again. It's just that he feels so empty, nothing matters, everything has lost it's meaning. It's like he's back at square one, back where he was before he'd met Eren. When he was a depressed robot, when work was number one and relationships were a distant, very much unattainable concept, something he could only dream about.

The connection he had with Eren though, was better than anything he could ever even fathom dreaming about.

It had been so pleasant and nearly unbelievable. Unbelievable that he would want to always be with someone, always want to touch them and kiss them. Levi knows that they'd only been together a couple of months, but it'd felt like such a profound bond, a bond between their hearts and souls.

Now he doesn't even know what anything is anymore.

\---

Bowling is not fun, but basically being a third wheel on Erwin and Mike's unofficial date is even worse. They're so touchy and grope-y and all _we're out and we're proud_. There is no doubt in Levi's mind that every single person in the bowling alley knows that Erwin and Mike are _together_.

If he sees Erwin slip his hand down the back of Mike's jeans one more time, he's going to fucking book it.

Half the time they forget he's there, but he doesn't mind. It gives him time to think.

The pain has begun to subside now. A little.

Levi'll get through this, like he gets through everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, I just wanted to get this part out, then there will be more plot progress and whatnot.


	11. i will shout until they know what i mean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help myself, I just—*flails*

It's a couple days after the awkward bowling outing and Levi is angry and just plain tired. Tired of being afraid, tired of not _doing_ , tired of this—whatever is happening between Eren and him at the moment.

He always wants to smash things now, ruin them. Every time he has a plate in his hands, his grip tightens until his knuckles are white and he's shaking.

That's how Hanji finds him one evening, standing in the kitchen, glaring daggers at a plate. They try to take it out of his hands, but it's not happening.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he confesses, finally dropping the plate and letting it break into pieces on the floor. It's soothing to watch. He's thinking that he's the plate now, there's so many pieces of him that have been shattered and scrambled, he doesn't feel whole anymore, not without Eren.

Levi's also thinking that it's so unhealthy how someone can have that much impact on him. Eren has the power to ruin him.

"I'm going to clean this up," Hanji exclaims. They're maneuvering Levi out of the kitchen.

"Thanks," he says from the couch. He's beginning to believe that maybe they're broken up and that's such a dangerous thought, it makes his stomach flip flop.

"You're welcome, Levi, this is what friends are for," Hanji's voice lilts.

"Do you think I'm pathetic?" Levi asks.

"Hmm… yeah, a little."

"You're supposed to say no."

"I'm not going to lie to you. You're the one who fucked up, Levi, you're supposed to go over there and apologize—own up to your mistake."

"Hanji, don't."

"You know, when you're upset, I'm also upset. Stop being a pathetic Patty and talk to Eren for goodness sakes."

"But—"

" _But_? Levi, what are butts for?"

"Shitting." He mumbles.

"Exactly. No buts, man, no buts."

\---

Levi's ends up calling Eren and it does not go as planned.

First of all, Eren answers the phone with "Yeah?" Which is never a good sign.

"Hey, Eren."

"Hey."

"I wanted to say that I miss you and I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology." Eren's voice sounds very strained and that's not helping Levi's already somersaulting stomach. It's been edging on three weeks and he's convinced that they're broken up, then he wonders if Eren's been thinking the same thing because this whole catastrophe was Levi's fault and since he didn't even try to contact Eren for three weeks—fuck.

"So… how've you been?"

"Okay, busy with school and stuff. You?"

"I've been better."

"Yeah." It's painfully awkward. "So I'll talk to you—"

"Eren, you should just come over and we'll—"

"You know that Mikasa asked me whether I wanted her to go over there and beat you up or not?"

"No."

"Well, she did and—what are we doing, Levi? What is this?"

He doesn't know how to answer so he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind, "I love you."

Eren's silent for a beat, "I love you, too."

"You know who Lloyd Dobler is?"

"Yeah, _Say Anything_ , right? Why are you asking?"

"I was just… I don't know."

"You haven't even seen the movie, have you?"

"No."

Eren laughs and it's so refreshing, "It's a good movie."

"Erwin said the same exact thing."

"… I should get going."

"Don't. Did I mention that I miss you?"

"Yeah, you did."

"What do I need to do?"

"I don't know, I just. I don't know."

"Don't say that," Levi pleads, but Eren already hung up.

\---

Moping around, feeling sorry for himself gets boring real quick. It's not that he doesn't know what he wants—he fucking wants Eren, that's for sure—it's that he doesn't know how to go about this desire.

(God, he's considering pulling the Lloyd Dobler, whatever the fuck it is.)

Speaking with Eren hadn't necessarily brought any hope, but it did bring determination. Levi is brainstorming big, romantic gestures. He's too desperate to even truly be mortified.

\---

It takes a bit of planning and having to sit through _Say Anything_ with Mike and Erwin gushing about how hot John-something looks in the movie, but he's headed to Eren's house, complete in a tan trench coat and a boombox from his attic and an old cassette from Mike.

He'll admit, he's twenty percent embarrassment and eighty percent nervous energy. He's fucking sweating like he just sprinted a marathon. The trench coat isn't helping.

He's parked in front of Eren's house now, just perspiring in his car, letting his internal monologue take over. Levi struggles a bit putting the cassette into the boombox, it takes a legitimate five minutes to get that set up.

Levi is now ninety percent nervous energy. Ten percent something else, he thinks it's optimism disguised as sickness.

Now, he's getting out of the car.

Stepping towards the house—he trips over the trench coat, shit, it's Erwin's. It's too fucking big.

Playing the cassette, raising the volume to the max, lifting the boombox over his head, his arms are straining, palms sweating. (God, now, all he can think about is the boombox slipping and falling on his head.)

"Eren," he shouts.

Nothing.

He's sweating more, somehow.

"Eren," He's thanking God that no one is coming out of their homes. Where the fuck is Eren?

Levi suddenly spots movement in one of the windows. His chest flutters. He's talking to himself then, telling himself that this will work, this is right. Like, come on? Who wouldn't take him back? He's blasting _In Your Eyes_ and he's in a trench coat, how much better can he get?

The window curtain moves a bit, then Mikasa appears, she sticks her head out the window, looking amused. "Eren's not home," she deadpans.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, he left a while ago. This… is nice though, he'd definitely like this."

"Where is he?" Levi asks, switching his weight from one foot to the other, the boombox is so damn heavy.

"I don't know, he just left."

Levi feels like a deflated balloon when he's driving home. He's so distracted, disappointed. He lets the boombox continuing playing. By now, he knows the song by heart and he's singing along. "In your eyes, the light, the heat," he mumbles, "in your eyes, I am complete. In your eyes… "

It's almost disgusting how much this song reminds him of Eren, it's just grossly fitting.

He parks in front of his house, shuts off the boombox, tells himself not to give up. Because this is his life now, Eren is his life now.

He just wants to be whole again.

Levi looks towards the cemetery and Eren's there. Lying in the grass, like he'd been the first time Levi had really noticed him. He feels so weak.

He doesn't even know what he's doing, but he's getting closer and closer to Eren, couldn't stop if he fucking wanted to, not that he does. There's nothing except want and attraction, and excitement. The blood is sizzling in his veins. There are no doubts, no what if's, nothing, nothing, but desire.

(God, he sounds so fucking cheesy, even in his own head.)

He's at Eren's feet, but he's not stopping—he needs to be _closer_. Levi's crawling up Eren's body, he's burning with hunger, now, sitting on Eren's groin. They're simply looking at one another and it speaks volumes.

Levi's closing in, a slight question in his eyes. Eren meets him halfway. It's electric to say the least. Eren's opening his mouth, allowing Levi's tongue inside, it's so hot in his mouth and so wet. He can't get enough, then Eren makes this noise, like a whimper and Levi's drowning, drowning and it's so good.

 _Then_ Eren's biting at his mouth, it hurts, but there's these sparks of pleasure. They're making out in a cemetery, on top of Eren's dead father, surrounded by the deceased. It's so wrong, but it's so _right_ , so, so good.

"I—" he's sucking on his tongue, "hate—" he groans, "you—so fucking much."

"Yeah, yeah." Levi reluctantly pulls away, breathing hard.

"Why… why are you wearing this coat?" Eren tugs at a lapel.

Levi simply laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't just not update, I've been thinking about this last scene so much. Also there's just a handful of chapters left for this fic, I think—idek （ ｉ _ ｉ ）
> 
>  
> 
> [the iconic scene from say anything](http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2013-08-29-sayanything1040cs022412.jpg)


	12. the dogs dissolve and drain away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, I don't know why, but I was thinking about 1D while writing this—& that explains near the end.
> 
> & vaguely described penetrative sex.

"Wait—what?" Eren's unsuccessfully holding back laughter.

"I really don't want to repeat myself, you know what I said."

Eren is full out laughing now, right in Levi's face. He wishes he could be upset. "I can't believe you did that. Will you re-enact that for me?"

"Later… if you still want me to."

"Of course I want that," his face suddenly turns completely serious, "we still have to, you know, talk."

"Yeah, definitely."

"Not right now though, I just want to keep kissing you." Eren laces their fingers together. "I missed you."

And they're kissing again, Levi knows that it's inappropriate, possibly disrespectful to be swapping spit in a cemetery, but he can't stop. It's impossible, he just _can't_ , especially with Eren's hands digging into his ass, borderline painful.

(They're both hard now and there's got to be some rule against having an erection around dead people—he is definitely going to hell.)

"I missed you, too." Levi breathes.

\---

Eren is listening intently while he speaks, his eyes not leaving Levi's. It should be nerve-wracking, but it's comforting. It's cathartic.

Pouring his soul out is difficult at first, but it gets immensely easier. Almost like pushing a boulder up a hill, then releasing it, watching roll down the other side. He feels weightless, no longer a helium balloon tied to a chair.

(If he were a bird, he'd be soaring.)

Eren doesn't talk much, he nods a bit and squeezes his hands. And when Levi is done talking, Eren kisses him until his head is spinning.

When they can both breathe again, Eren mutters against Levi's lips, "what do you feel right now?"

"What?" He responds, allowing Eren to settle his weight on top of him.

"How do you feel, Levi? How do you feel about them being dead and you still being here?"

"Nothing… I feel—"

"Don't," Eren's hand is settled at the junction between his shoulder and neck, his thumb rubbing up and down the column of Levi's throat.

"Eren, I," he swallows as Eren lightly presses against his windpipe, "I feel upset?"

"Yeah? Why? Why are you upset?"

"Nothing's fair."

"Well, that's life, isn't it?" Eren's thumb goes back to moving up and down Levi's Adam apple with light pressure.

"I kept trying to pretend that that part of my life never happened. I thought it'd be easier." It seems though that everything he's thought is wrong, just so wrong. He's been believing in his own skewed philosophy for so long.

"Did you visit them often?"

"I went to the funeral, but I didn't step a foot back into the cemetery until the rainstorm and you, you were there… " he trails off.

"And you forced me to take your umbrella."

"Yeah."

Eren is looking at him in a way Levi wishes he wasn't, with that wide-eyed innocence that just seems to radiates off of him. It's odd that he can still be so innocent. "You don't have to act as if _they_ never happened, as if your time with them never happened."

"It's easier that way."

"I don't think it is. I don't even think there's an easy way. You learn to live with it and you grow and all that good stuff, you just learn to deal with it more effectively."

"I feel so awful though."

"That's a good thing. It means you care about them and you still love them." Eren kisses his chin, "Levi, it's okay to feel angry, and sad and awful and to punch things and to break them. Emotions are good, expressing emotions is also good, you know."

"Eren," his voice is tight, there are hands skimming the bare skin of his stomach, right above the waist of his jeans.

"No, it's all good," the kisses have moved up to his cheek, "thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that."

"Of course, I trust you."

"Thank you for trusting me, thank you for loving me," Eren's lips finally find his and they share a short, gentle kiss.

Levi loves Eren, but it feels like so much more than that. He's thinking that he hasn't fully understood what love is until now. It's not just _one_ feeling, one tone. There's so many different flavors and textures that all attribute to this word, this emotion.

It can be soft and warm (like the hugs they've shared after Eren had stopped trying crush his ribs). It can knock the wind out of you. It can leave its claws in you, leave you broken and bloody. And everything in between. It's a fucking roller-coaster and Levi doesn't regret getting on the ride, couldn't wish to have anyone better seated next to him.

"Never just barge out and not talk to me for two weeks ever again." Levi mutters because this is also a significant part of the talk. There are so many more words floating in his head, but his mouth condensed his thoughts.

"I won't. Levi, it was horrific. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry."

"It is settled, we're both sorry." Then Eren's thumb is back to rhythmically massaging Levi's throat. He may be a tad pink in the face, he likes this. Likes it anytime Eren's hands are on him. He feels like the center of attention, the most beautiful thing in the room. "You know, I'd like to see you get that boombox out and put that coat back on. I want to do dirty things to you in that coat, Levi."

He doesn't tell Eren the coat is Erwin's.

\---

The next day is their long awaited sleepover apparently. Eren shows up with a game console which Levi can only assume is an x-box and a stack of video games and a couple of movies. He also has a huge smile on his face.

As Levi gestures him in, he sees that Eren is in pajama pants, like he wore those outside, like those were on his body for the ten minute walk from his house to Levi's. Like people may have seen him in those. Levi is just speechless.

Eren gives him a _what?_ look. When Levi doesn't respond, he shrugs and makes himself comfortable, spreading all the games out on the floor and setting the game console up to Levi's television.

Everything is okay now. It's not exactly how it was before—that would be impossible, he decides. He's growing, they're growing and changing in these subtle ways. As if little pieces are being chipped off or added so they fit together even better, their design is even more intricate.

"Which one do you want to play first?"

Levi seats himself down on the floor next to Eren. He points to a random game. It turns out their objective is to kill Nazi zombies or something. He's obviously not good at it and Eren is.

They play a few more games until Levi begins to complain about losing and this all being unfair. They then try to watch the last of _Back to the Future_ trilogy, but they end up making out instead because everyone knows the first one is the only one really worth watching.

Around eight or so, Eren forces Levi to order a pizza because it's supposedly sleepover food. Eren also forces him to set up the living room as their sleeping area for the night. Worst part is he insists on sleeping on the floor. They compromise and they're going to use an air mattress.

After they're stuffed and settled in, Eren begins to ask questions that remind Levi how out of the loop he truly is with pop culture. Eren is nearly outraged when he finds out that he has no clue who or what One Direction is.

"Really hot British boyband, Levi. And the kicker is they're all cute! You don't see that often."

"Boyband?" Levi says, more to himself than Eren, really.

"Yeah, like Backstreet Boys, you know them, right? Please tell me you do."

"I know them," he huffs.

"Good, now I'm going to pull up a picture of One Direction and you tell me which one of them is hotter," the light from Eren's phone is the only thing illuminating the room currently. "I personally can't decide between Zayn or Louis."

After Eren has shown him way too many photos, Levi says, "this feels weird. They're like fourteen, Eren."

"Excuse _you_ , they're my age. Now, which one is hotter?"

The phone is back in his face again and he can't even remember their names or their band's name. He's losing it. "L-Lou— " because he recalls one of their names starting with an L.

"Louis? Yeah, I get that."

"How about we get some rest."

"We've barely scratched the surface of hot celebrities. And it's only ten. We're supposed to stay up late."

"But I'm tired," Levi complains.

"I don't make the rules."

"But I'm tired," he repeats.

Eren just scoots closer to him, their noses are touching. "I mean, we could stay up doing other things. If you want."

"What kind of things?"

"Hmm… I don't know." Eren rearranges them so Levi is on his back and he's straddling him. They share a chaste kiss, then a long, sloppy one. He becomes overly sentimental these days. Savoring the taste and texture of Eren's mouth. Levi feels like they've been doing this forever, as if there's some distant, blurry dream that he's suddenly recalling.

His hands grasp the hem of Eren's shirt and pull up. They separate long enough to remove Eren's shirt, then Levi's pants are gone and items of clothing continue to be taken off and thrown somewhere on the air mattress.

They're both bare and Levi isn't thinking about how pale he is or how he hasn't done proper exercise in at least a decade and he's getting a bit soft in the middle. His mind and body are focused on pleasure and heat and Eren.

Apparently, when Levi's really into it, he moans like he's getting paid for it. Eren doesn't seem to mind though, he removes his fingers (and Levi doesn't _whine_ at the emptiness) and grabs a condom from absolutely nowhere. He doesn't even question it.

When Eren is all the way inside, he swears underneath his breath.

Levi knows that he's already sunk to the bottom. He's in too deep and can't be rescued, he's a goner, but Eren's on the seafloor with him. And he's sure he'll always be.

\---

There's the sound of a door closing and a hushed, "are you fucking kidding me?" And Levi's awake, so is Eren who rushes out of the room and into the bathroom or bedroom, Levi's not sure. He simply pulls the sheet over his penis.

Exhaustion is still clouding his eyes. "What happened to the whole calling before you come over thing?"

Erwin's the only one who apologizes.

"We didn't know whether the plan went as expected. We wanted to check up on you. I'm guessing it worked."

"Sure." He grumbles, not mentioning the fact that he pulled the Lloyd Dobler on Mikasa rather than Eren. And nothing really ever goes according to plan.

"That's wonderful." Mike says as he disappears into the kitchen.

"Why are you guys on an air mattress?" Hanji asks as they lay down in Eren's spot. "Did you break the bed?" They do something obscene with their eyebrows.

"No," Levi mumbles, "we had a sleepover." He's only slightly embarrassed admitting this.

"A sleepover?" Erwin asks.

"Eren's idea."

"That's so cute—we should all plan a sleepover." Hanji's getting too excited so Levi rolls over. Maybe if he ignores them, they'll go away. This, of course, does not work.

Eren reappears soon in Levi's sweats. They're a bit too small for him, it really shouldn't be so cute, but it's Eren, so it's adorable.

Mike also reappears with a half finished plate of scrambled eggs. Levi is honestly too tired to care and truly too content to complain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only after I posted this and read it over, I realized I kept a lot of shit vague. Do not worry, the next chapter will bring lots of clarity!


	13. you were the king of carrot flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, this is the last chapter. I was planning on two more, but I really liked the way this ended—like I felt like the loose ends were taken care of and if I were a rapper, I'd drop the mic at the end of this chapter!

After Levi's friends leave, Eren fucks— _making love_ , Eren calls it—him again on the air mattress until it literally pops. It's actually a terrifying moment, the loud pop and the whole dropping onto the hardwood floor thing really aren't fun.

Eren goes flaccid inside of him, bursting into laughter. Levi is wide-eyed and horrified, his heart practically stopping. "Get out of me," he groans.

"Not what you were saying five minutes ago," Eren teases as he pulls out. He removes the condom off of himself and gets up to dispose of it. Levi watches his wonderful bare ass move into the distance.

He reappears and Levi wants to kiss him all over. Explore ever inch of gorgeous skin, get familiar with his body, inside and out. Discover all his erogenous zones and every part of his body that's ticklish.

"You know," he starts, when Eren comes back to the deflated mattress, "I—" he's not sure how to finish, how to put all these feelings into words that actually make sense, "what I feel for you is more than love." His mind turns to mush after that. He wishes he were a poet or at least slightly articulate.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know how to verbally tell you all the things that I feel," he sighs, "it's just so much."

"You _are_ a gooey romantic, Levi."

"Sure." He's never wished he were some sort of artist as much as he does now. Maybe to just regurgitate his feelings out on a canvas, on a sheet of paper, anything. There's just too many emotions and no creative—no appropriate outlet.

No way to truly show Eren how deep his love runs. He loves him with the blood in his veins, the breaths that he takes, the goosebumps that Eren leaves in his wake, god, he loves him.

"You're thinking too much." Eren mumbles, "Just kiss me."

And Levi does.

\---

It's a few of days later and they are eating at an Italian restaurant a little ways away from Levi's house. They rarely go out, Levi is always exhausted and Eren doesn't seem to care where they are.

Yet they're out because Eren suddenly remembered that he owed Levi a fancy dinner. The restaurant is so fancy that Eren's in dress pants and a button up. Levi wants to devour him. It's the way the trousers hug his ass and the shirt brings out his eyes—even though they don't really need to be _brought out_.

They've already ordered and Levi's squirming a bit. He's half hard, it's almost mortifying how Eren doesn't even have to try and Levi's mouth is watering and his pants are too tight.

He excuses himself to the bathroom and gives Eren a _look_ as he gets up. He thinks it may have been a seductive look—god, he's not sure.

Levi begins to think that it was more of a constipated look when he's in there for seven minutes—yes, he's checking his cellphone—and hey, no Eren! And he's still half hard, the wait has not at all deterred his boner.

After a deep breath and a lot of aggressive internal monologue, Levi gives Eren a ring.

"Hey?" Eren answers and Levi can just imagine the cute little bemused face he's currently pulling.

"Yeah, hey—" deep breath, "I'm waiting for you in here." He's feeling like shit, too, it's a single restroom, not one with multiple stalls and urinals and he's been hogging it for ten minutes.

"The bathroom?"

"Yeah." He mumbles.

"Levi?" Eren's voice does an interesting dip near the end.

"Get in here!" He hisses then hangs up.

It feels like there's a jackhammer in his chest while he waits for Eren. He feels very capable all of a sudden. It's like he doesn't give a fuck anymore—he didn't really before, but now it's as if all care is out the window. Fuck it.

There's a light knocking on the door, then comes, "It's me. Eren."

Levi rolls his eyes as he opens the door. When Eren is inside, he quickly shuts it behind himself.

"Did you not see the look I gave you?"

"The look?"

Levi gives him _the look_ again.

"Oh." His lips twist into a small smile. He crowds up against Levi, turns them around, Levi's back now to the door. He can feel the hot hardness pressed against his thigh. "Are we really doing this?"

"It's the pants," he responds, his breath a little short.

"This is really doing it for you," Eren is whispering right into his ear, warm puffs of air coming from his mouth, caressing Levi's skin, "huh? Me, all dressed up?"

Levi is focusing on breathing because that's fairly important, and he can never seem to take in enough oxygen when Eren is around. He's never met someone so beautiful, so beautiful.

" _Answer me_ , Levi," he demands, clawing his way down Levi's chest, fingers catching on his nipples through his shirt. He has to grit his teeth.

"Yes," Levi does _not_ whine, "please." It's barely a whisper.

The way Eren drops to his knees, the way he goes down so easily has Levi's head absolutely spinning. Eyes saturated with lust, lips parted, so inviting. Desire written all over his gorgeous face.

It's a feverish blur of Eren and astonishingly wet heat. Levi's legs turn into jelly and he struggles to keep himself up. He wants it to last, but he can't keep his eyes away from Eren's lips, lasciviously wrapped around his erection. He's moaning into his elbows, very unsuccessfully staying quiet.

Levi's hands are petting Eren's hair, lightly combing it out of his gorgeous face. When incandescent eyes flutter open and bore into his, Levi comes, filling Eren's mouth. It feels like the air has been punched out of his lungs.

He just about collapses as Eren swallows around his softening penis. His limbs still feel loose and gelatin like when he attempts to pull Eren up so he's standing—Eren's really doing all the work, but Levi can pretend.

"Levi," Eren murmurs. Levi takes this time to unbutton his pants, then drags the zipper down, he reaches in—Eren is not wearing underwear—meeting very warm and very slick skin. Eren exhales, right in his face, his breath tinged with bitterness, Levi kisses him and Eren's lips automatically part, allowing his tongue inside.

It's odd to taste himself, but that thought is easily forgotten. Levi's hand curls around Eren's erection, stroking him to orgasm.

They're both sweaty and Levi is ready to fall over. He rests all his weight against the door.

"I'm sticky," Eren mumbles into Levi's shoulder. "I can't believe we just did that."

"Yeah. We just did—"

Levi feels the knock as much as he hears it. They both freeze, looking at one another as the door is knocked on again.

"Is this occupied?" Someone asks.

Levi opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. He keeps trying to talk, but he can't.

Eren speaks up for him, "Sorry, I'll be out soon. Two minutes, yeah?"

"Okay, thank you."

Eren scrambles to the sink, wets a paper towel and begins to wipe the semen off of his shirt. Levi watches him, utterly debauched.

When they're once again seated and don't look like they just traded blowjobs and handies, Levi's heart won't stop racing and Eren's got a small, secretive smile on his lips.

Their food was already at the table by the time they got back. He doesn't think he can eat, he feels a little dirty, in a good way though. "Thanks… for buying dinner."

"You're welcome. Thanks for—you know." Eren blushes to the tips of his ears.

\---

"It's a shame, really."

"What?" Eren side-eyes him. They're holding each other's gloved hands. It's the kind of chilly out where you wish it'd just snow already.

"You're born, then you practically wait to die." Levi remarks, looking at the headstones of Farlan and Isabel.

"Is that what you're doing? Just waiting to die?"

"Feels like it sometimes," he grumbles.

"Just don't think about it, yeah?"

"I'm not. I'm… I don't know." Anxiety bubbles up in his chest. "It's been years since they… passed and I can't get over it."

"You don't have to get over it, Levi."

"But I do."

"No, you don't. You don't have to get over someone's death."

"Eren," he sighs, "then what do I do?"

"Do whatever you want."

Levi huffs, "It's not that simple. Nothing ever is."

"It's alright to think about your friends, they're important, they'll always be important. It's that simple, you know. If you miss them, you miss them. If you cry, you cry. If you come here everyday for a month, you come here everyday for a month."

Levi is silent for a moment, absorbing the words. "You know, when I first saw you here, I called you Cemetery Kid in my head."

"That lacks so much creativity," Eren snorts, "I'm getting secondhand embarrassment."

And true to his words, Eren's cheeks are flushed. Levi's really not sure how Eren manages to look adorable _all the time_. "Is it wrong that I want to kiss you right now?" He blurts out.

"I feel as if a cemetery would be on the list of inappropriate places to play tonsil hockey." Eren shrugs, his hands are slightly shaking. Levi pretends it's because of the cold.

"We've done it before."

"We have. Yeah. I want to kiss you also. I mean—"

"I want to kiss you everywhere," He declares.

"Like everywhere on earth or everywhere on my body?"

"Both."

Eren takes a deep breath, Levi watches the air escape his nostrils, watches it dissipate. "I'm so in love with you I don't know what to do with myself anymore." He laughs and it sounds forced.

Levi squeezes Eren's hand, clings to the words. "I feel the same way. Thank you for… being here with me." He's not sure whether he's referring to the cemetery or not.

Visiting his friends with Eren doesn't feel like closure and he's suddenly happy about that. He always thought he wanted that—wanted to forget, wanted to get over it, wanted to erase part of his life, but Farlan and Isabel are still significant, they'll always be. He's grateful for Eren showing him that.

Levi looks at him, _really_ looks at him; curtain of hair slightly covering his eyes, small smile, eyes that are far more complex than simply  _green_. Eren's eyes are more than just a color, there are supernovas in there and every shade of green imaginable, there's love in his eyes and so many emotions, Levi couldn't even count them. Being with Eren, loving Eren leaves an ache in his chest, an overwhelmingly beautiful ache that shushes the doubt in his mind, shushes the _you don't deserve thi_ s in his mind.

Levi wants to experience this ache forever.

"No need to thank me." Eren squeezes back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodness, thank you for reading and commenting and staying with me through all of this and simply being you. I love you all and I wish I could write each of you personal love letters or something. You are awesome!
> 
>  ((So I decided to make Farlan and Isabel Levi's deceased friends. I was first thinking Petra, Gunther, etc. I didn't add a backstory for them, I just decided to keep it vague (｡-_- ｡) I'm lazy. ))
> 
>  
> 
> [playlist](http://unhappy-turt.tumblr.com/post/110432265848/king-of-carrot-flowers-playlist)

**Author's Note:**

> (Everyone should just listen to the album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, NMH = life)
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://unhappy-turt.tumblr.com)


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